On June 22, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported that Ted Haggard, who'd been asked to leave his post as chief evangelical at New Life Church in 2006 after admitting to "sexual immorality" in his dealings with Denver masseuse Mike Jones, had returned to his Colorado Springs home after an extended exile in Arizona. No telling if he's there to stay -- but in the hope that he's settling in for the long haul, we've come up with a list of ten gifts designed to welcome him back to the fold...
10. An "I'm Cured!" lapel pin.
9. A double-date with James Dobson.
8. Crying instructions from Oral Roberts.
7. Advice about how not to get overly excited by the name "Oral Roberts."
6. A biography of Rock Hudson.
5. New contact information for all the conservative politicians who've stopped returning his calls.
4. Tips about how to use public restrooms without accidentally striking a "wide stance."
3. A flak jacket.
2. A list of local dentists trained to care for meth mouth.
1. A tension-reducing rubdown from anyone who's not Mike Jones. -- Michael Roberts
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.