The Top Ten Welcome Home Gifts for Ted Haggard

On June 22, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported that Ted Haggard, who'd been asked to leave his post as chief evangelical at New Life Church in 2006 after admitting to "sexual immorality" in his dealings with Denver masseuse Mike Jones, had returned to his Colorado Springs home after an extended...

By Michael Roberts

June 23, 2008

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On June 22, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported that Ted Haggard, who'd been asked to leave his post as chief evangelical at New Life Church in 2006 after admitting to "sexual immorality" in his dealings with Denver masseuse Mike Jones, had returned to his Colorado Springs home after an extended exile in Arizona. No telling if he's there to stay -- but in the hope that he's settling in for the long haul, we've come up with a list of ten gifts designed to welcome him back to the fold...

10. An "I'm Cured!" lapel pin.

9. A double-date with James Dobson.

8. Crying instructions from Oral Roberts.

7. Advice about how not to get overly excited by the name "Oral Roberts."

6. A biography of Rock Hudson.

5. New contact information for all the conservative politicians who've stopped returning his calls.

4. Tips about how to use public restrooms without accidentally striking a "wide stance."

3. A flak jacket.

2. A list of local dentists trained to care for meth mouth.

1. A tension-reducing rubdown from anyone who's not Mike Jones. -- Michael Roberts

Michael Roberts began his career with Westword in 1990 as music editor. In 1999, he took on a new role, full-time media reporter, as author of a column called The Message. In 2008, he became the lead writer for Westword's news blog, The Latest Word, a position he held until January 2023. Michael continues to freelance for Westword, covering everything from business to sports and the media; he also contributes to Jazziz, a national music magazine. He holds a bachelor's degree from what is now Colorado Mesa University and master's degrees from the University of California, Los Angeles, and Northwestern University.

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