The Top Ten Welcome Home Gifts for Ted Haggard

On June 22, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported that Ted Haggard, who'd been asked to leave his post as chief evangelical at New Life Church in 2006 after admitting to "sexual immorality" in his dealings with Denver masseuse Mike Jones, had returned to his Colorado Springs home after an extended exile in Arizona. No telling if he's there to stay -- but in the hope that he's settling in for the long haul, we've come up with a list of ten gifts designed to welcome him back to the fold...

10. An "I'm Cured!" lapel pin.

9. A double-date with James Dobson.

8. Crying instructions from Oral Roberts.

7. Advice about how not to get overly excited by the name "Oral Roberts."

6. A biography of Rock Hudson.

5. New contact information for all the conservative politicians who've stopped returning his calls.

4. Tips about how to use public restrooms without accidentally striking a "wide stance."

3. A flak jacket.

2. A list of local dentists trained to care for meth mouth.

1. A tension-reducing rubdown from anyone who's not Mike Jones. -- Michael Roberts

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts