Top Ten Money-Saving Efforts for the Democratic National Convention

Still $15 million short of the $40 million they are contractually obligated to raise by June 16, organizers behind the Democratic National Convention are asking the Democratic National Convention Committee to lower the amount of money needed to host the event. Organizers say the $55 million in private cash and donated services necessary to bring the convention to town can be lessened significantly provided certain changes are made. And the changes are:

10. Institute official “If it’s yellow, let it mellow…” policy at all convention-related events.

9. Refuse to invite delegates from Florida or Michigan.

8. Wolf Blitzer gets ten Hot Pockets and ten Hot Pockets only. We’re not going to have another “Boston incident.”

7. Dupe hookers into free fucking by promising them medicine.

6. Rather than spending money on markers and signs, encourage protestors to carve messages into their bare chests.

5. Gift bags? Nuh-uh. Hobo piggybacks? Affirmative.

4. We’re not saying, but we’re just saying, odds are we won’t have to pay Ted Kennedy’s bar tab…

3. Politely insist Teresa Heinz Kerry provide all condiments.

2. Outsource any outbreaks of Obama Fever to Wyoming-area hospitals.

1. Tell Hillary Clinton to stay the fuck home. – Adam Cayton-Holland

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Joel Warner is a former staff writer for Westword and International Business Times. He's also written for WIRED, Men's Journal, Men's Health, Bloomberg Businessweek, Popular Science, Slate, Grantland and many other publications. He's co-author of the 2014 book The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny, published by Simon & Schuster.
Contact: Joel Warner