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Top ten signs you're a cougar

After his near-fatal attack at Comedy Works South, Adam Cayton-Holland has cougars on the brain. So, he presents ...

The Top Ten Signs You’re a Cougar

10. Given the choice of marinating chicken breasts in Italian dressing or barbecue sauce, you chose AXE Body Spray.

9. You’re in real estate, drink white wine by the bucket and are prone to random fits of sobbing. Also, you’re a dilapidated whore.

8. You are the largest of the small cats placed in the subfamily felinae, although the bulk of your characteristics are more similar to those of the big cats in the subfamily pantherinae.

7. Despite the fact that you don’t own a pool, in your backyard right now? Three pool-boys.

6. Every time it’s your turn to drive carpool, kids show up with rape whistles.

5. You're prone to tipping valets in barbiturates and vag.

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4. You’ll eat any animal you can catch, from insects to large ungulates, though mule deer are your preferred source of subsistence.

3. You often find yourself wondering why none of the other moms at the lacrosse game are fingering themselves.

2. You’re 42-years old and can still be talked into Jaeger shots. Also, you’re a dilapidated whore.

1. The only thing faker than your tits is your personality.

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