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Top Ten Ways to Motivate the Colorado Rockies

In this June 25 blog, I expressed frustration after the Colorado Rockies lost two consecutive games to the freakin' Kansas City Royals immediately after taking just one of three games against the New York Mets at home. So imagine how I (and every other Rockies booster) felt after the Royals completed the series sweep later that night.

Fortunately, the National League West-leading Arizona Diamondbacks were shut out by the Boston Red Sox 5-0, meaning the Rockies didn't fall another game back in the standings. They only trail the Slitherers by eight, which is hardly an insurmountable lead at this point in the season. But they need motivation to take advantage of the opportunity -- and here are ten ways for them to get it.

If the Rockies don't start winning...

10. Troy Tulowitzki's last name on the back of his jersey will be re-spelled "Tool-owitzki."

9. The National Anthem will be replaced by a funeral march.

8. Players will be forced to sell concessions between innings.

7. Everyone's hair will be cut by Clint Hurdle's barber.

6. Two words: aluminum bats.

5. Todd Helton will be forced to take up football again.

4. All songs played before the Rockies bat will be by Kenny G.

3. During the game, the Jumbotron will show old episodes of The Nanny.

2. Matt Holliday is the only holiday they'll get.

1. God will choose another favorite team.

-- Michael Roberts

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts