Undressed at the Republican National Shmuckvention

Mr. Schwartz is on the right.
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Some stories are too good to be true, and although we should sympathize with Colorado Republican delegate Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, who says he was robbed by a woman he took to his hotel room during the GOP convention, we hope this one holds up.

Schwartz, a personal injury attorney with the Grant Street firm of Sandomire & Schwartz in Denver, recently told police that he met a woman on September 4 in the bar of the plush Hotel Ivy in Minneapolis while he was in town for the September 1-5 Republican National Convention. He invited her up to his room; she agreed and made a couple of drinks for the couple before telling Schwartz to get undressed.

But that was the last thing he remembers.

Schwartz told police he believes he was drugged, and when he woke up, the woman was gone and he was missing tens of thousands of dollars in jewelry, money and other possessions. The police report lists a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a $5,000 necklace, $4,000 earrings, a $1,000 Prada belt, a 1,000 purse or wallet, a $1,500 cell phone and $500 in cash. All told, about $120,000.

But Schwartz later told the Denver Post that the amount was closer to $50,000. "It's embarrassing to admit that I was a target of a crime. I was drugged and had about $50,000 of personal items stolen, not the inflated number that the media is reporting from an inaccurate police report," he was quoted as saying.

Okay, but seriously. A $1,500 cell phone? A $1,000 Prada belt? And we’re not even going to ask why Schwartz allegedly had all that expensive jewelry.

Nor are we going to ask what possessed Schwartz to don a red jacket and yell at the top of his lungs like every bad parody of a personal injury lawyer in this advertisement.

Even better, however, is an interview that Schwartz did with LinkTV during the convention. Some of the highlights:

Reporter: What is your vision for change under a John McCain administration?

GNS: Less taxes and more war!

Reporter: Where should we bomb next?

GNS: Iran, baby!... Bomb the hell out of them from the sky. No troops.

And how to pay for the war?

GNS: Plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money. We deserve reimbursement.

Good luck getting your belt back, Nathan. I’m sure John McCain and Sarah Palin are very proud of you.

Read about other Shmucks in our Shmuck of the Week archive.

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