Audio By Carbonatix
Last week, we asked you to guess what Westboro Baptist Church might hate next after they declared their loathing for the American flag. Now, just in time for the Fred Phelps Traveling Circus’ threatened appearance in Fort Collins, here are the hilarious results.
Like an inbred cross between a cult and a radically hateful improv troupe, the WBC has been slinging its message of anti-whatever for some time now — and God’s hate seems to grow less discriminating with every passing year. Current objects of the Lord’s ire even include Jerry Falwell, who was apparently not quite hateful enough for the church’s taste.
In terms of our pre-selected options, readers were relatively split across the board, with “Guinea pigs” taking a narrow lead at 17.07 percent of the vote. “Saltine Crackers” and “Indigestion” tied with 12.2 percent each, and “Obscure video artist Stan Brackhage” clocked in last with a mere 9.76 percent.
Looks like you’re safe, Stan. Not that you’re probably worried, since you died in 2003.
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But the overwhelming majority of the responses — close to 50 percent — were suggested by you, dear reader, submitted in the “Other” category of the poll. Interestingly, enough people suggested “Vuvuzelas” without a prompt from us to put that answer on a par with “Indigestion” and “Saltine Crackers,” with 12.2 percent of the vote. We agree. Since when did World Cup games require the soundtrack of Lord of the Flies? It’s like at any moment someone is either going to score a goal or get sucked into a portal to hell.
In addition to those demonic horns, you submitted some suggestions that were… well, let’s say they were creative. A few of our favorites were “Nuns,” “Westword, for your non-existent pride coverage,” “Cheezburgers,” “Carl” and — we can’t believe only one person suggested this — “Westboro Baptist Church.”
Thanks, reader. You made us laugh. And you might just see one of your suggestions pop up on a picket sign in Fort Collins.
We can hope, can’t we?
