William Goodrich, nineteen, didn't have a long walk to the school bus on Tuesday night -- because he crashed it into his own house.
Why? He points to a friend named Matt and a piece of paper with mysterious properties...
Goodrich's drivers license had already been revoked because of a DUI, the Boulder Daily Camera reports. But that didn't stop him from getting behind the wheel of the privately owned bus.
According to witnesses cited in a police report, he was staggering when he climbed into the vehicle through its rear doors near West Arapahoe Lane and Arapahoe Avenue -- and his driving was equally erratic. During his jaunt, he struck a roundabout, a 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee and, ultimately, his own house on Marine Street. After responding to a call, Boulder Police found the vehicle parked partly in the yard, partly in the street, with the engine still puffing.
Goodrich's explanation for his eventful ride? The report quotes him as saying a guy named Matt gave him a small piece of paper, which Goodrich dutifully ate. (He'd been drinking, too, he admitted.) After that, the world around him started moving in strange ways. But rather telling him to lay down and wait for the feeling to pass, that damn Matt handed him the school bus keys and told him to pilot it home.
Not that Goodrich shirked responsibility for his spree. At one point, the report maintains, he extended his hands for cuffing and said, "Can we get this over with?"
The answer to that question is "yes." Goodrich was promptly booked on suspicion of motor-vehicle theft, among other charges. Guess that'll teach him to eat paper.
Here's a larger look at Goodrich's mug shot:
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Cynthia Sammon busted for DUI after she can't figure out how to open her car doors."
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.