William Goodrich, nineteen, didn't have a long walk to the school bus on Tuesday night -- because he crashed it into his own house.
Why? He points to a friend named Matt and a piece of paper with mysterious properties...
Goodrich's drivers license had already been revoked because of a DUI, the Boulder Daily Camera reports. But that didn't stop him from getting behind the wheel of the privately owned bus.
According to witnesses cited in a police report, he was staggering when he climbed into the vehicle through its rear doors near West Arapahoe Lane and Arapahoe Avenue -- and his driving was equally erratic. During his jaunt, he struck a roundabout, a 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee and, ultimately, his own house on Marine Street. After responding to a call, Boulder Police found the vehicle parked partly in the yard, partly in the street, with the engine still puffing.
Goodrich's explanation for his eventful ride? The report quotes him as saying a guy named Matt gave him a small piece of paper, which Goodrich dutifully ate. (He'd been drinking, too, he admitted.) After that, the world around him started moving in strange ways. But rather telling him to lay down and wait for the feeling to pass, that damn Matt handed him the school bus keys and told him to pilot it home.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Support Our Journalism
Not that Goodrich shirked responsibility for his spree. At one point, the report maintains, he extended his hands for cuffing and said, "Can we get this over with?"
The answer to that question is "yes." Goodrich was promptly booked on suspicion of motor-vehicle theft, among other charges. Guess that'll teach him to eat paper.
Here's a larger look at Goodrich's mug shot:
More from our Colorado Crimes archive: "Cynthia Sammon busted for DUI after she can't figure out how to open her car doors."