Pumpkin spice season gets earlier and earlier every year, much like the Xmas shopping holiday, and somewhere around mid-August the traditional pumpkin spice goodies appeared on shelves. The beloved PSLs have been shooting through Starbucks drive-throughs like nutmeg-scented balls from a seasonal-favorites cannon. Sadly, the pumpkin spice condoms, tampons, toilet paper and Doritos are all hilarious online hoaxes, but rest assured the pumpkin-spice Oreos are all-too-real. This year's crop of pumpkin spice snacks has turned up some new faves and a few questionable choices, but one thing's for certain: pumpkin-spicing everything ain't going away until at least December.
Here's a list of five of the best -- and worst -- pumpkin spice things this year.
5) Baskin-Robbins Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
It's hard to find a dessert chain that could ever whup Baskin-Robbins at the exploitation of seasonal flavors. The new pumpkin cheesecake ice cream is so rich, beautiful and awesome it makes Kanye look like a wussy bitch at a bus stop. The pumpkin ice cream actually tastes like pumpkin (I don't know how they did that, and I don't wanna know) there are bites of cheesecake and nuggets of gingersnap cookies in it, and the whole affair is glued together with a cheesecakey swirl ribbon.
Of course I tried it the minute I knew it existed. And my whole "I'm getting a single scoop in a cup!" thing went flushy-bye-bye, and I ended up leaving the store half-sick with a sticky mouth and a pint to go. And you will, too.
4) Pepperidge Farm's Pumpkin Spice Baked Trinity
Pepperidge Farm got in the pumpkin spice game with gusto this season, throwing down a trio of pumpkin cheesecake cookies, pumpkin spice Milanos and pumpkin spice swirl bread. The cookies aren't bad, but if you don't like white chocolate, skip them because they are crammed-up with too many white chips. The Milanos are fucking terrible, because the un-winning combo of pumpkin goo and dark chocolate makes them bitter and palate-disturbing.
But the swirl bread makes up for both of these, because it makes the best toast ever-ever, which is the kind that you don't have to compel your own lazy ass to decorate with anything at all; just toaster and done.
3) Chobani Pumpkin Spice Yogurt
The Greek yogurt thing is still a thing, and when you punch the star power of this, plus the ever-growing pumpkin spice trend, you get Chobani's pumpkin spice yogurt cups that really should come in larger tubs. This is by far the best PS'd yogurt so far; Yoplait made a runny, uninspired pumpkin cheesecake flavor last year that ended up in the dairy clearance bin at my local supermarket, but Chobani's version is thick, lightly tangy and tastes like a really fresh scoop of pumpkin pie innards without the Cool-Whip.
My favorite part of this yogurt isn't even how lishies it is, it's all the attention I get eating it on the go -- when people ask about it, want it, and I become the coolest person because I found it first.
For more good and bad pumpkin spice things, read on.
2) Pumpkin Spice Gum
When I saw a photo of Extra's pumpkin spice gum on Facebook last week, I was immediately convinced that it was yet another cruel joke perpetrated against me and other PSers who have been mercilessly mocked so much already this season with fake pumpkin spice things (I would buy those tampons if they were real -- of course I would). But nope, the gum is real. Only it's insanely hard to find in stores. I cannot imagine who wouldn't want to have pumpkin spice breath all day long, and I have hounded the people at the closest logical place to get this gum -- the gas station up the street -- for over a week to carry this gum, and so far all I've gotten has been eyerolls and at least one clerk and a manager who think I drink too much during the daylight hours to even ask for the gum.
Their contempt only fuels me. I will find this damn gum.
1) Pumpkin Spice Hummus
No, really -- this exists. For some reason I didn't doubt that it was real, because every season produces at least one "WTF" pumpkin spice thing, and this year Cedar's pumpkin spice hummus is it. Hummus flavored with pumpkin is not a bad idea, but the traditionally dessert-pimped nutmeg and cinnamon spices don't seem to want to work in harmony with the normal garlic and tahini hummus flavors. The whole creation begs the question "what in the cricket-stomping hell do you eat this stuff with?"
It's a legit question, because eating pumpkin spice hummus with pumpkin tortilla chips is over-overkill, cucumber slices with nutmeg probably tastes like herbal shampoo, and the very idea of cinnamon and celery together kinda gives me the shudders.
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SHOW ME HOW
Has this pumpkin spice hummus gone too far? I don't think so, because it's clearly paving the way for pumpkin spice mayo, pumpkin spice Cheerios and pumpkin spice whiskey next year.