Oddly enough: none of these are costumes.EXPAND
Oddly enough: none of these are costumes.
Aaron Thackeray

Ten Scariest Denver Halloween Costumes

To dress up in costume or not to dress up in costume: That’s the Halloween question. On the plus side, dressing up can be a lot of fun. On the not-so-plus, it can be a lot of pressure. You can’t just go to Target or one of those pop-up stores that used to be a Circuit City and pick something off the shelf. You have to think this through. Don’t have time for thinking it through? We’re here for you, with ten seriously scary and completely Colorado costume ideas.

Feel free to take complete credit for your outfit, but do us a favor and send us a picture when you trick-or-treat Denver-style.

Finding Cory Gardner is sort of like looking for Waldo or Carmen Sandiego.
Finding Cory Gardner is sort of like looking for Waldo or Carmen Sandiego.
DonkeyHotey at Flickr

10. Senator Cory Gardner
This is probably the easiest costume idea on the list, because all you have to do is dress in a suit, smile a lot, and never make an appearance. Extra candy if you somehow manage to talk out of both sides of your mouth!

Cupcakes, coffeehouses, and condescension: three of the four Cs of gentrification.EXPAND
Cupcakes, coffeehouses, and condescension: three of the four Cs of gentrification.
MsSaraKelly at Flickr

9. Neighborhood Gentrifier
This is a slightly tougher costume to put together, but it probably includes a North Face jacket worn over a “Keep Colfax Weird” T-shirt, cargo shorts, Birkenstocks with hiking socks, and a ring of keys on a Subaru keychain. Offroad-capable double-wide stroller optional.

It'll be like a live-action version of "Office Space," every day.
It'll be like a live-action version of "Office Space," every day.
John Reese at Flickr

8. An Amazon Commuter
With the possibility of Amazon’s HQ2 moving to the Denver area, many current commuters are shaking in their Saabs at the prospect of a whole slew of new blinkers on the highway system. Office attire and an Amazon-themed travel mug? Horrors.

Please stop splashing my sopaiillas.
Please stop splashing my sopaiillas.
Dave Herholz at Flickr

7. Casa Bonita Cliff Diver
It's not just the sympathetic cold people might feel for you going shirtless in late October: Everyone's still sort of feeling queasy from the last time they had the mandatory enchilada plate.

6. Out-of-State Ski Tourists
Yes, the state depends on these good folks to fill the tourism coffers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t poke a little fun. Start with a matchy-matchy ski outfit, rental skis, a camera around your neck…and complete your look with a broad, photogenic smile and a big thumbs-up for everyone. Don’t forget to talk about how these pictures are going to make everyone back home jealous.

That Jeff Sessions, always lying into a microphone.
That Jeff Sessions, always lying into a microphone.
Gage Skidmore at Flickr

5. Jeff Sessions
Sure, you have to be tiny to really pull this off. And you'll need to adopt a serious Alabama accent and an intolerance for everyone but a person who would vote for Jeff Sessions. Still, the scariest part of this costume is that you can go around threatening to take everyone’s pot away.

Parking in Denver is a lot like roulette, only there's no way to win.EXPAND
Parking in Denver is a lot like roulette, only there's no way to win.
Teague Bohlen

4. Yellow Parking Violation
It’s one of the worst surprises a Denverite can wake up to: You head out to your car parked on a residential street on what should be an everyday morning, occupied with all those little things that make up your average workday…only to find that you’re suddenly $50 poorer than you should be. In that moment, you hate street sweeping, the city, the cop, and whatever day of the week it might be, April to November. So go ahead and dress like a big yellow envelope: You’ll fill everyone without a garage with a sense of dread.

Like this, only kneeling.
Like this, only kneeling.
Jeffrey Beall at Flickr

3. Kneeling Bronco
We're actually not so sure what’s so scary about this costume, but it sure freaked out a whole lot of people in Denver, didn’t it?

The real fear: That dude makes more than you do.EXPAND
The real fear: That dude makes more than you do.
Jeffrey Beall at Flickr

2. RTD Flagger
Granted, this is only situationally scary. But with only an orange helmet, fluorescent-yellow vest and a stop sign on a stick, you can scare the crap out of anyone already cutting it close to get to work. Let’s face it: When you see one of these folks hoist themselves dutifully up out of their chair and start to wave that flag in front of the crossing gates that are (you hope) already lowering? You know you’re stuck for a while. It’s the contemporary version of being buried (in traffic) alive…even if just for a while.

It'll be the best costume. Trust me. Everyone's talking about it. Yuuuge.EXPAND
It'll be the best costume. Trust me. Everyone's talking about it. Yuuuge.
DonkeyHotey at Flickr

1. Trump
Because the most frightening thing on any list these days is Donald Trump.

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