1. Holy Homeland Insecurity! Coloradans have been stocking up on duct tape even though:
A. Their actions have caused critical shortages in certain key industries such as muffler-repair and snowboard shops.
B. The sticky line of defense against bioterror is permeable.
C. According to reliable statistics, one in ten people is allergic to the shiny stuff.
D. Much of the fiber used for the tape is from the ductus horribilis plant grown in Iraq.
2. Denverites should feel plenty safe, with or without silver tape. That's because Denver cops:
A. Have all been trained in the Heimlich maneuver.
B. Recently acquired 101 pooches trained to sniff out explosives.
C. Spent 366,000 hours last year on off-duty jobs, making this city safe for private enterprise -- cop moonlighting included.
D. Have taken to putting pieces of duct tape on unmarked squad cars so community groups can recognize the good guys.
3. The Denver Sheriff's Department, in a move to improve, asked to drop its taupe pants in favor of blue for all but what reason?
A. Taupe tends to make men look fatter.
B. They cost the City and County of Denver too much.
C. They look "unprofessional."
D. They are hard to clean.
4. Every department is getting in the act. Since 9/11, Denver Water has done all but one of these:
A. Covered its main aqueduct with duct tape.
B. Canceled public tours of its facilities.
C. Hired a security consultant.
D. Beefed up security (although not by making security agents wear taupe).
5. Local officer David McArdle earned notoriety last week by:
A. Stopping a suspicious freight truck driven by a nervous Middle Easterner.
B. Stopping four dopey Arapahoe County teens videotaping Jackass-like stunts.
C. Discovering an incoming passenger from Frankfurt with contraband inside hollowed-out Hush Puppies.
D. Being selected as a model in New York's upcoming "Fashions to Fight Fanatics" show.
6. In a sign of the slumping economy, what Colorado landmark was recently shuttered?
A. The Mount Princeton Hot Springs, because the water level is too low.
B. The Hiwan Homestead in Evergreen, due to the high cost of fuel.
C. Denver's Aqua Golf, after an infestation of mites overtook the ducks.
D. Joe Cocker's Mad Dog Ranch Fountain Cafe in Crawford, now bereft of bikers.
1. B. The sticky stuff is supposedly permeable -- much like the other lines of Homeland Security defense.
2. C. Denver cops secured 366,000 hours of off-duty work, at an average of $30 an hour.
3. A. Tan doesn't bulk up the waistline; doughnuts do.
4. A. The aqueduct is free of duct tape. So far.
5. B. McArdle stopped the Jackasses-in-training.
6. D. With no more help from his biker friends, Cocker has shut the door.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Westword's biggest stories.
- Dear Stoner: Is It Legal to Sell Clones on Craigslist?
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 7:30pm
Sun., Sep. 6, 2:00pm
- An Open Letter to Colorado Natives From a Transplant
- How to Avoid Being a Parking Douchebag