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Five reasons your museum security guard hates you

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Your bartender hates you, your barista hates you, even your "medicine" provider hates you. Turns out a lot of people hate you. But don't let it get you down. It's just a part of growing up. And chances are good that all these people don't actually hate you. It's just that sometimes you act like a douchebag, ruining their day in the process, and you deserve the scorn: It's for your own good. To that end, we're bringing to your attention yet another professional that hates you: your museum security guard. Because we care. 05. You bump or touch the artwork/artifacts Oh, there was a painting behind me? Whoops, I couldn't see it over my massive messenger bag. This happens way more often than it should. Actually, it should never happen. Pay attention to your surroundings. Put your bag in a locker. You're in a museum full of things that are more valuable than your house. Have some respect.

As far as touching the artwork: We know it's tempting to feel the cracks in the Renaissance paintings or to run your fingers along the latest contemporary sculpture, but restrain yourself. Just don't do it. These artworks are in a museum for a reason, and we are dedicated to preserving them for many future generations to appreciate and learn from. So keep your grubby fingers to yourself, and you won't be bothered.

04. You breastfeed your infant inside the galleries. Yes, breastfeeding is fine, beautiful -- and totally legitimate in certain areas. No one is trying to jeopardize the sacred bond you hold with your child, so please don't scream at us if we kindly ask you to exit the gallery until you're finished. And when you ignore us and your infant inexplicably pukes up some nice baby-puke onto a priceless painting -- what are the odds! -- we have to explain to our boss what happened and why. And the answer is you were being oblivious and inconsiderate by insisting that you be able to breastfeed and look at irreplaceable artwork at the same time. 03. You skateboard on the ledges outside, making them look horrible Of course, your buddy is trying to get that super sweet shot of you grinding the ledge with the museum in the background. We understand, but try to see our point of view. A ledge in some back alley scraped up by repetitive skateboarding is fine. Nobody sees it; nobody cares. But in front of an art museum, it looks like shit. And your tricks aren't even that good. We've watched the X-games. We know the score.

02. You throw up on us All over our nice coats and shined shoes. We have to go home and change. It's gross, you're lucky it didn't make us vomit back onto you. Granted, this doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's hard not to be at least a little resentful. We know it's hard to control your vomit muscles when the time comes, and we know you're probably a tad disoriented right before hand, but can you please point your mouth toward the ground next time? It's not that hard. And if you're not feeling very well, maybe don't go to the museum that day. Just a thought.

01. You yell at us for no apparent reason We get pretty used to this, but it begins to wear on a person after a while. We're just doing our job. We work long hours. Museum policies are in place for good, logical reasons. We aren't just trying to make your life harder. So please, don't take your anger toward your spouse out on us when we ask you to leave the gallery while you're on your cell phone.

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Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.


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