Chuck: Go to Best Buy. Meet a real-life Chuck, though without the hot spy/girlfriend, and with a brain full of video game trivia rather than national secrets. (Note: Real-life Chucks will very much enjoy talking with you about the TV Chuck. Whether or not this is a good thing depends on your level of social desperation.)

Heroes: Read Batman: The Long Halloween. Great story in the super-hero vein, and the same Tim Sale art that helps makes the TV show as good as it is. While you read, be sure to do it in an angst-ridden manner.

The Singing Bee: Karaoke, baby, Karaoke. (And yes, the vapid comments that Joey Fatone makes do count as scripted writing.)

How I Met Your Mother: Find someone at a bar, and try to tell them the story of how you met your first girlfriend. If they're still paying attention a half-hour later, buy them a drink. And check their pulse.

Survivor: Camp in your backyard. Take nothing with you except uncooked rice and firewood. For a reward challenge, eat something disgusting, and you win the right to go inside to use the toilet.

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Dancing with the Stars: Call 9News and ask Adele Arakawa and Kathy Sabine to dance. When the police come to your house, ask them. Cops love dancing.

The Office: Get a job. Yeah, that's about it.

PBS programming: Read a book. Or, if you want to simulate pledge week (and really, who doesn’t?), go pay four times as much as they're charging for a box set of jazz CDs.

MTV programming: Hit yourself repeatedly in the head with a salami while paging through Maxim. Do not stop; above all, do not play music of any kind. -- Teague Bohlen