Dear Readers: Since the Mexican’s sister is getting married to a good man from Zacatecas this weekend, I must go slaughter a pig and hire a banda sinaloense. So indulge yourselves in some piratería questions I ripped off from my book and await my return next semana! Dear Mexican: Isn’t…

Dear Mexican: As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for about seventeen years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren. Nevertheless, I’m for border security — against the no-good, godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold weather — ha! Why is America not closing the…

Dear Mexican: In “Garfield” strips in the funny pages that appeared earlier this year, Garfield is wearing a sombrero and taking siestas. While cute and all, isn’t that the sort of thing that we have been striving to stop? What was Jim Davis thinking? Maybe he needs a refresher course…

Dear Mexican: We gabachos get differing reports regarding the Reconquista. Some say it’s a genuine movement, well under way. Others claim it’ll never happen, but that it’s useful as a slogan that both antagonizes white America and energizes young Mexicans. Let’s say for now that it’s a genuine movement destined…

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans make the sign of mucho dinero with a gap between their thumb and index fingers, as if holding an imaginary wad of bills between both fingers? El Zorro Chupagringos Dear Gabacho-Sucking Fox: Because if a pendejo like you can get the gesture, imagine us normal…

Dear Mexican: I am a 22-year-old Mexican-American woman, still living with my parents but going to college, working full-time and taking care of myself financially. I grew up in a very traditional Mexican household, youngest of four kids, and we were all born in the United States. I’m unmarried, but with a steady boyfriend I have…

Dear Mexican: A gabacho in the local daily suggested that some of our prisons be outsourced to Mexico to save us some money. What are your thoughts? Would wabs make for good guards looking after homies and white-trash inmates? Have a chew on that taco. Mike the Mick From Missouri…

Dear Mexican: My family hasn’t been long in this country, came here because of lousy treatment by other Europeans, and didn’t live close enough to the southern U.S. border to have exposure to Mexico or Mexicans. So anyone looking down on Mexicans can be mysterious to many of us who…

Dear Readers: We begin, as we do each week, with cojones, although the huevos in question deal with my column a couple of semanas ago on why gabachos prefer the former term for testicles as opposed to the latter. I gave a rough etymology of the two (cojones comes from…

Dear Mexican: Why does El Tri act like pendejos every time the U.S. men’s national soccer team kicks its ass? They won’t even shake hands or exchange jerseys after the game, and they always act like the U.S. got lucky with the win, even though the Americans have destroyed Mexico…

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans at construction sites always draw a dick and vagina on the interiors of porta-potties? They sure are not as poetic as they are artistic. Then you’ve got the white boy reply, “Here I sit, flexing a…” You should know the rest. Original Schreck in Houston…

Dear Mexican: The mainstream media is making a big noise over Sonia Sotomayor likely being the first Latina Supreme Court justice, and that all Latinos should be proud. But Puerto Rican ain’t Mexican! The Supreme Court won’t have a shade of brown until a Mexican is sitting with Roberts and…

Dear Mexican: How can I get Mexicans to arrive at a meeting ON TIME? Punctual Pete Dear Gabacho: Tell them you’re offering green cards on a first-come, first-served basis. And then diles a gabachos to eliminate the concept of arriving “fashionably late,” the way they did the Polish joke. Dear…

Dear Mexican: Why is it that ever since the U.S./California let you people immigrate, tunnel, weasel or whatever into this country, nothing good has happened and/or come from it? California’s welfare program is burdened with low-life Hispanics. The prison system is 70 percent Hispanic, 45 percent gang-based. Real-estate values have…

Dear Mexican: Looking back recently on my distant youth in northwest Ohio, I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the pure-blooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1) simple…

Dear Mexican: You once asked why Mexican bands don’t hit it big in the good old U.S. of A. I think the simple answer is that there are no Mexican Mouseketeers. You don’t get to be Justin Timberlake by picking a guitarrón. Slater from Saved by the Bell doesn’t count…

Dear Mexican: I write to you with a doubt similar to the one that Incensed in Chicago felt a couple of weeks ago, when her friend couldn’t believe that Mexicans worked in professional, white-collar jobs. I live in Tijuana, and of the gabachos who put roots here, you can’t find…

Dear Mexican: I was riding the local light rail when two female Mexicans sat down and started talking rapid-fire Spanish non-stop for 45 minutes! It seemed as if neither one stopped to take a breath of air. They were loud and could be heard the length of the train. Question:…

Dear Mexican: I am a Chicano in Connecticut. I moved from Arizona to the East Coast for my dream job. I have to admit that I’m still homesick. Connecticut is a completely different world. To sum it up in one phrase, vale madre. It took a while for me to…

Dear Mexican: Can you please confirm the fact that there are doctors, lawyers and other professionals living in Mexico? I’m a Mexican-American woman living in Chicago who had a heated discussion about that topic. My friend who is a teacher at a local school was of the opinion that there…

Dear Mexican: My wife and I have an argument going about pirates. And since you are the source for all things Mexican, I’d thought I’d ask: While I know there were Spanish and Portuguese pirates back in the early 1600s and 1700s, were there ever any Mexican pirates? Not pirates…

Dear Mexican: My wife is from Michoacán state. We’ve bought a home in the small town of her birth. I love everything about the quiet little place. Even her mother is kind to me, as if I were her son. The food is incredibly good. The puerco is killed that…