The study of neighbors through lawn decoration… Now you don’t have to drive all the way out to DIA to look at loopy public art. A quick trip to the Fastracks construction zone behind Union Station will have you slapping your head and screaming, “Knot again!” Behold the two-block long…
Out in the real world, “there ain’t so such thing as a free lunch,” but don’t tell that to Denver City Council. Mayor Hickenlooper has asked every department in city government to reduce their budgets by ten percent. City Council has only been able to find a 4 percent savings…
Sheridan She-Cager Real name: Jacqueline Miller; Occupation: Violence vendor; Suburb of operations: Sheridan; Hair: Fluffed; Eyes: On the prize Suburban superhero skills: Sheridan She-Cager is a proud mother who possesses the superhuman ability to control masculine energy, which she utilizes to make money by exploiting police brutality with cold beer…
Drinking does far more to make people gorgeous than any hair salon. Scientific studies reveal that ugly people look 10 percent more passably attractive with each shot of liquor consumed by an average drinker. Liquor is often blamed for lowering sexual inhibitions to the point of regret and repulsion. How…
Musings on Plagiarism If Republican Gubernatorial candidate Scott McInnis can plagiarize water experts and make the big bucks, then I should be allowed to plagiarize daily cartoonists for a few cheap laughs. Instead of The Simpsons, Dennis the Menace and Pearls Before Swine, I give you The Shamsons, McInnis the…
Yard Arteology: The study of neighbors through their lawn decoration… The junk mail just keeps on coming, even though Denverites no longer have time to read the circulated solicitations of credit card companies, food delivery services and real estate agent/politicians. Instead of emptying the contents of a mailbox into a…
Carmelo Anthony and Lala Vazquez may have sold their exclusive wedding broadcast rights to cable channel VH1, but that doesn’t mean you will have to wait until the reality show airs in September to see photographs of awful bridesmaids’ dresses and drunk-celebrity reception bloopers. A rigorous study of the guest…
King of the ‘Glenn Real name: Ruben Hernandez; Occupation: Communitarian; Suburb of operations: Northglenn; Hair: Black; Eyes: Smiling Suburban superhero skills: King of the ‘Glenn has the coordination, endurance, strength and reaction time that is superior to any Northglenn resident who has ever competed at Boondocks Fun Center…
The Biennial of the Americas is a month-long event that gives global visionaries a forum to explain themselves to local residents. To give Coloradans a chance to explain themselves to these world visitors, Biennial organizers should hold a concurrent event called the Mile Hi-Ennial. View the Mile Hi-Ennial cartoon feature,…
The Biennial of the Americas is a month-long event that gives global visionaries a forum to explain themselves to local residents. To give Coloradans a chance to explain themselves and their actions to this captive audience of world visitors, Biennial organizers should hold a concurrent event called the Mile Hi-ennial…..
The very nature of gardening is a life and death matter. Out in the yard, something has to die so something else can live. Tending greenhouse-grown transplants from toxic weeds and voracious bugs requires round-the-clock protection from a hoe-wielding vegetable vigilante. Combined with hailstorms and root rot, the threats are…
The study of neighbors through yard decoration. Meet Mary who’s blessed most everywhere, From Vietnam to Vatican Square. But Guadalupe is hard to know, she’s just a local saint from Mexico. What a crazy pair! But they’re virgins, identical virgins all the way. One pair of matching tubmates, as different…
Yard Arteology: The study of neighbors through lawn decoration. Perhaps the most thrilling moment for a yard arteologist is when, after two hours of schlepping up and down neighborhood streets and seeing only birdbaths and flowerpots, he comes face-to-face with a mysterious specialty item. These handmade wonders not only prove…
Tutnkhamun: The Golden King and the Great Pharaohs, the touring art blockbuster which recently opened at the Denver Art Museum, promises to turn the DAM into a tomb. Tutankhamun is primarily used here as the headliner to sell pricey tickets. Costs vary depending on age, the scheduled time of viewing…
The considerable number of lost cat signs that are posted around town may seem sad, but each notice also represents a great and joyous opportunity. You see, the Denver Dumb Friends League is overcrowded with cats. It’s standing room only, and the pussies are pissed! So, if cats have shelters…
Lakewood Pinkwinker Real name: Grace Power; Occupation: Brazilian booty bleacher; Suburb of operations; Lakewood; Hair: Removable; Eyes: Peeled Suburban superhero skills: Upset by the widespread sadness of suburbanites suffering from hairy and discolored genitalia, Grace Power, calling herself the Lakewood Pinkwinker, first used her weaponry to lighten the darkest recesses…
If John Hickenlooper has taught us anything, it is that a Denver mayor is not to be judged by his accomplishments, but by his clever campaign photo-op outfits. In keeping with his mayoral magic of gaining attention through gimmicky garments, the goofy geek gets decked out as a sexy babe…
Unlike the other 200 biennials that take place across the globe, Denver’s Biennial of the Americas was created to showcase the city’s business community — not to promote the talent of its creative class. Businessmayor® John Hickenlooper is hoping to stimulate Denver’s economic development by exploiting the creative class and…
The stretch of Federal Boulevard between West 52nd and 58th Avenues should be identified on maps as the Denver Firework District. Every street has a warehouse that is open year-round to make a pile of money in the one week before July 4th. In mid-June, banners and flags are added…
Lucky Parker Real Name: Mike Cotsworth; Occupation: Car Wrangler; Suburb of Operations: Parker; Hair: Fishtails; Eyes: On the Road Suburban superhero skills: As a suburb-cruising car collector endowed with superhuman traffic telepathy, he is able to decipher and direct traffic energies with enough skill to find a parking space at…
Yard Arteology: The study of neighbors through lawn decoration. As lovers of country, patriots need to establish clear boundaries. For them, a good fence helps to separate who they are and what they love from the harsh realities of the outside world. From chain-link bunting to split-rail pinups, a thorough…
Poor Joe Nacchio! The Denver U.S. District judge who handled his resentencing hearing just shaved two months off of his six-year, all-expenses-paid vacation at a plush Pennsylvania Country Club Prison. But don’t feel sorry for him: He still gets to keep all of the money he stole from US West…
