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Teague Bohlen

Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014, and a flash fiction collection, Flatland, in 2019. His new novel, Escaping Denver, is available now.

Ten Ways for Denver Fans to Survive the Super Bowl

By Teague BohlenJanuary 31, 2017

So the Broncos missed the playoffs, and to add insult to injury, the Patriots (and Denver persona-non-grata Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and roster-destroyer Josh McDaniels) are favored to win it. That means that as a Denver fan, you’re probably not all that jazzed about seeing the Super Bowl this coming Sunday. Sure, you feel a responsibility to watch—it’s the Super Bowl, and you’re no fair-weather fan. But still…it’s gonna be tough.In the spirit of still showing up for the Super Bowl and its related festivities, here’s a list of ideas that could help get you through Super Bowl Sunday—after which, remember, this last season is just a bad memory. Here’s to muddling through!

The Ten Most Nerd-tastic Signs at the Women’s March on Denver

By Teague BohlenJanuary 21, 2017

The Women’s March on Denver broke through the glass ceiling of all attendance expectations on Saturday, January 21, drawing huge crowds that wound up tripling the initial estimates of 40,000 attendees (and the count could grow). One day after Donald Trump’s inauguration, which itself disappointed in terms of numbers, the American people were clearly determined to make a statement. What that statement was, of course, varied from person to person and sign to sign. Some were traditional, some were profane, some were poignant — and some were beautifully geeky. After all, while you’re speaking your mind and participating in the democratic process, you might as well let your freak flags fly, too. In that spirit, here are the top ten nerd-tastic signs we saw at the Women’s March on Denver.

Paid Parking and Eight More Bad Money-Making Ideas for the Cherry Creek Mall

By Teague BohlenJanuary 18, 2017

Starting this week, the Cherry Creek Shopping Center will begin charging for parking — not just in the structure, but in the outlying lots as well. (Sorry, Safeway.) Sure, the first hour is free, but who goes to the mall for less than an hour? The entire concept of a mall (and the ’80s) is based on sticking around and making a day of it. You might think that a dying concept like an indoor mall actually charging more would be a bad idea. And in that, you would be right. It’s like SeaWorld raising ticket prices. It’s like the rates for landlines going up. It’s like…well, like a very bad idea. In the spirit of what Cherry Creek laughingly refers to as “Smart Parking,” here are eight other very unwise charges that the mall could institute in order to increase revenue.

The Ten Worst Avalanches in Colorado History

By Teague BohlenJanuary 13, 2017

Usually, heavy snows in the mountains are good for ski areas, but this last week has proven that even when it comes to snowfalls and skiing, there can be too much of a good thing. A-Basin shut down on January 10 because of heavy snows and avalanche danger. A-Basin’s responsible decision-making (not only did it close on Tuesday, but it was only open for “limited skiing services” on Wednesday) raises the specter of avalanche danger in our state. It’s one of those things that no one likes to talk about, but that we sort of have to, to prevent disasters like the ones below, and do everything we can to ensure no more lives are lost.

Seven Resolutions for Colorado Politicians in 2017

By Teague BohlenJanuary 6, 2017

The national elections of 2016 taught us two very stark lessons: that one, people will vote against their own interests and their own espoused values if they feel desperate enough. And two, that politicians as a group are now the most reviled people in the country. It wasn’t so much about who won the election: it was about what lost, and what lost was politics as usual. So yes, we all make resolutions every year, and politicians both local and national clearly need to take a long and hard look at who they are and what they stand for—and what positive steps they can take in either party to improve the nation as a whole and Colorado in the specific.

Seven Resolutions for Colorado Commuters

By Teague BohlenJanuary 5, 2017

Getting from home to work and back again — and running errands in your off time — is something of a challenge in larger metropolitan areas, and Denver is no exception. Last year, we covered rules for driving, biking, mass-transit, even walking — and now, in 2017, there are some commitments that we can all swear to honor anew, for the betterment of the roads and everyone on them. To that end, here are seven resolutions for all of us that use (and sometimes abuse) the Denver roads and sidewalks upon which we so regularly depend.

Eight Things That Make Residents of Vail Really, Really Mad

By Teague BohlenDecember 30, 2016

With tourists heading for the hills, there are plenty of things that tick off the good people of Aspen. Vail’s been inundated, too, and in addition to hordes of skiers, this weekend the town will attract many New Year’s Eve revelers. Built strategically along I-70 (it’s no mistake that the only main roads going into and out of Vail are I-70 exits) in the not-so-distant past, Vail is like a Disney model of a ski town — only you can actually go there and ski.  Still, despite the practiced and mandatory smiles of the employees who work the resort town (and probably have to live in other parts of Eagle County), there are somethings that ruffle the feathers of Vail residents. Let’s start with these eight.

Eight Things That Make Aspen Residents Really, Really Mad

By Teague BohlenDecember 28, 2016

Officially, Aspen sits in Colorado’s Pitkin County, but in reality it sits in a little reality of its own creation, where modest homes go for pornographically immodest prices, where celebrities live but tend not to be seen, where money flows like melting snow, but definitely doesn’t tend to trickle down to the person waiting on your table or pouring your beer. Aspen does not fit into Colorado, not really. Colorado fits around Aspen. Colorado is Aspen’s venue. Aspen is, always, the star.But as we know, stars can be bitchy. What makes the good folks of Aspen grumble? Well, for starters, the universal truth that money can’t buy happiness. But aside from that? These eight.

Top Ten Resolutions for Denver in 2017

By Teague BohlenDecember 27, 2016

There’s an old Chinese curse (or so it’s said) that goes like this: “May you live in interesting times.” The saying is apocryphal, of course, and, like chop suey and fortune cookies, may not be authentically Asian in origin. But the point stands: 2016 was too damn interesting for words. Traditionally, we make resolutions for the betterment of ourselves and our lives in the coming year: lose weight, stop smoking, eat more vegetables, make America great again, stop the rise of authoritarianism, whatever. This year, there are things that we in Colorado can resolve to do that will make everything — our state, our neighborhoods and our quality of life — better. Happy New Year, and here’s to 2017 being refreshingly unremarkable. Or at least remarkable for all the right reasons. Here are our top ten resolutions to help make it so.

The Twelve Rules of Christmas

By Teague BohlenDecember 22, 2016

The holiday season can be overwhelming and stressful. Nothing — not church or the TV specials or the holiday episodes of our favorite sitcoms — can solve everything that pops up and threatens our jolliness. But follow these rules and you might actually survive Christmas and make the season that much…

Ten More Great Gift Books by Colorado Authors

By Teague BohlenDecember 21, 2016

Books are, as holiday gifts go, some of the best things to give, and not just because they make you, the giver, look smart. (Though that’s clearly a plus.) They also carry meaning: you don’t just give someone any old book—you choose it for them specifically, because of their interests or because you and the recipient share some interest. Or, you know, location.With that in mind, here are ten great literary choices for Colorado gift-giving this year: from the poetic to the prosaic, from fiction to non, from the comic to works of sincere depth…they’re all books on the Mile-High scale of sublime.

Ten Christmas Songs That Won’t Make You Hate the Holiday

By Teague BohlenDecember 19, 2016

Admit it: it’s not Christmas yet, and you’ve already become completely and utterly sick of Christmas songs. Which makes sense, because they’re ubiquitous—they’re the soundtrack at every store, in every elevator, on every TV and radio commercial. And god help you if you voluntarily listened to KOSI-101.5’s eternal Christmas Death March, which answers the question: just how much Josh Groban and Mariah Carey can one person take before declaring a moratorium on radio in the car?So yeah, we feel your pain. But fear not: for we bring unto you tidings of great joy, which should be to all people who are tired of hymns and carols and anything that Vince Gueraldi could adapt into a 60s jazz riff and sell to Charles Schulz. It’s not all Rudolph and Angels Up on High, people. Stretch, and enjoy the holiday alternative-style.

Bah, Humbug! Eight Lousy Lessons From Classic Christmas TV Specials

By Teague BohlenDecember 16, 2016

Kids today just don’t get it. Back in the TV dark ages, stations would actually sign off between midnight and 5AM, cartoons were on Saturday morning, and the occasional holiday special were what marked the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Just the sound of the announcement that there was a special program about to start was Pavlovian. These days, of course, kids can watch all of these specials on-demand, which makes them less of an event. Back then, they were, without a doubt, special.Of course, time has not always been kind to the delights of our youth, and the classic Christmas specials are no exception. Each one, even where they retain their charms, has a moral—whether intended or accidental—that if you consider it from a modern perspective sort of ruins it, or at least reveals the differences between the era of its creation and the place we are in American culture today. Just please: don’t let these foibles detract from the overall goodness of these TV holiday artifacts. This list is meant with nothing but love.

The Ten Jolliest Christmas TV Sitcom Episodes

By Teague BohlenDecember 15, 2016

For Thanksgiving we tallied up the ten best Turkey-Day Sitcom episodes, and there were a surprising number of good candidates—but the November holiday of gluttony has nothing on Christmas, the holiday for which it seems sitcoms were made. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so sang Andy Williams (probably in a special televised right after some of the sitcom eps on this list), and TV embraced that to the utmost.So while you’re wrapping presents, baking cookies, stringing popcorn and cranberries, or whatever Christmassy thing it is you do to prepare for the big day, check out these ten holiday episodes—because sappy sentimental sitcoms are one of the reasons for the season.

Tips for Transplants: Ten Rules for December in Denver

By Teague BohlenDecember 1, 2016

December is one of those months that tends to fly by—you think you have all the time in the world, and then all of a sudden the end-year holidays come and go, and all of a sudden it’s January. This year has been something of a bitch, but we have 31 more days of 2016 (ugh), and we might as well make the best of it, Denver-style.December in the Mile High City isn’t too dissimilar from December in the rest of the country, but there are a few things that both natives and transplants could benefit from remembering in this hap-hap-happiest time of the year.

Ten Best Thanksgiving TV Sitcom Episodes — No Turkeys Here!

By Teague BohlenNovember 21, 2016

Let’s face it: While you might share some chuckles with your family and friends across the dinner table, Thanksgiving isn’t a laugh-out-loud sort of holiday. It’s mostly parades and football and televised dog shows (that is, if NBC succeeds in making that the tradition it desperately wants it to be)…

Ten Rules for Protesting in Denver

By Teague BohlenNovember 21, 2016

For many, 2016 has been one enormous bummer. There are suddenly and shockingly almost too many outrages to address, and so people have taken to the streets both here in Denver and across the country.