How can I help my son keep his gabacho roots?

Dear Mexican: About six years ago, my wife and I adopted a little baby boy. He is “pure” mestizo and we are complete wabs. I’m a little dark because of my mixed Arab heritage, but my wife is a major-league blanca. He is a sweet little gabacho growing up in…

Ask a Mexican: What do the words on this T-shirt mean?

Dear Mexican: I’m living in Mexico part of the year. I’m learning Spanish, but I can’t say I understand or speak it well. I read several books about the history of Mexico and think I’m reasonably well-informed. I’m curious about a phrase I saw on a T-shirt in an expensive…

Why do Mexicans crush on Lindsay Lohan?

Dear Mexican: I would be most interested in hearing your point of view regarding our raza always voting for someone with a Latino last name, without even considering if the vato/vata is qualified for a particular office.  Often I hear comments like, “If he’s Latino, it makes up for all…

The guayabera says something about its owner

Dear Readers: The Mexican is currently dealing with deportation issues but will return next week once he builds his fifteen-foot escalera to climb over that pesky fourteen-foot wall. In the meantime, here are some oldies but goodies to tide you over like yesterday’s menudo. Enjoy! Dear Mexican: It seems that…

Why aren’t legal immigrants angrier about the illegal ones?

Dear Mexican: You mentioned in the past that your dad is against illegal immigration, but that’s a voice you never hear. Why aren’t the legal immigrants and legal aliens “vocally outraged” about the illegals who drive down wages, drive up housing prices, use government services, give all immigrants a bad…

How do I maximize my burrito-eating skills?

Dear Mexican: In the past, you have defended illegal immigrants by arguing that they (paraphrasing one of your previous columns) will do the jobs gabachos won’t do for the same wages. I agree. I have a white-collar job, so I’m totally content to benefit from the low prices brought about…

Why do Mexican use streets as their playgrounds?

Dear Mexican: I’m 39. My stepdad — who raised me — just died. This freed my mother to tell me (Stepdad always forbade it) that the man I thought was my biological father all this time was not. The man who IS my biological father is Mexican…totally (i.e., both of…

Are Cubans just Mexicans with connections?

Dear Mexican: The pinche Republicans are making a gigante ruido about their “Hispanic” senators in Congress. ¡Wachale! Lets call a pendejo a pendejo. Please discuss with tu audienca what Mexicans really think about Cubans in these Estados Unidos. El Güero Tejano (no Cubano) Dear Mexican: As a recent transplant from…

Ask a Mexican: Whatever happened to Jonny Chingas?

Dear Mexican: In 1983 or 1984, I was walking home down Haight Street in San Francisco one evening and stopped into Watusi Records to look through the dollar cutout bin. I flipped through it for a bit and then stopped dead when I saw the Jonny Chingas Pachuco LP. I…

Why do immigrants have better lives than me?

Dear Mexican: Can you please tell me something? How do you think it’s fair that all the people who come to our country and stay get treated far better than some of the people who have busted their butt all their lives here? Tell me, how is that fair?! You…

Is the American Dream over?

Dear Mexican: What is it about Mexicans and collecting old cars? I have three Mexican neighbors with middle-class incomes, but in each case, when the old car or truck wouldn’t run anymore, they would buy a nearly new replacement and then just let the old clunker sit in the driveway…

How do I get my neighbor to turn down the music?

Dear Mexican: My wife (who’s a half-Mexican L.A. native, just so you don’t think we’re a couple of white hipster dickheads) and me (I’m white, but an immigrant, so I hope that lowers my dickhead factor a little) have had it up to our orejas with our Hispanic neighbor’s music…

The official Ask a Mexican holiday gift guide

Dear Readers: Behold your favorite Mexican’s annual Christmas gift guide, where I give shout-outs to some of my favorite books that deserve your money this holiday season! And for once I won’t recommend my books — ¡Ask a Mexican!, Orange County: A Personal History and Taco USA: How Mexican Food…

Are these Mexicans insulting me?

Dear Mexican: In President Bush’s State of the Union address, he reiterated a need for a guest-worker program. What is your opinion of such a program? The program seems like mierda that screws people over in the long run to me, but what do I know? Una Guerita por un…

Why are Mexicans better at organizing their paperwork?

Dear Mexican: Lately I’ve noticed a few bands, como Voodoo Glow Skulls, have embraced ska music both at home and in Mexico. I was curious what the appeal is for Mexicans in ska music. Also, if you had to turn people to Mexican ska, what would be your top five…

Will Mexicans laugh at the Spanish I learned in Spain?

Dear Mexican: After a year in Spain, I speak more-than-decent Spanish, and I want to get a job in the non-profit field, where I can put it to use and pursue social justice and all that. Thing is, my Spanish is pretty peninsular. I maintained my seseo, thank God, but…

Why do Mexicans refuse to eat chocolate?

Dear Mexican: Why is it that every Mexican I know refuses to eat chocolate? My in-laws drink things I wouldn’t clean my carburetor in. They fill their piñatas with every kind of hard candy — but no chocolate! I bring out a bag of M&Ms and everyone backs away to…