Comedians had a great year in 2017. Anyone concerned with the political health of America? Not so much. No matter what part of the liberal-conservative spectrum you fall into nowadays, the argumentative state of bipartisan politics is both entrenched and insufferable. If Democratic Senator X does something despicable, his supporters will quickly counter by bringing up something equally or more despicable that Republican Senator Y did three months before.
All of this bitch-ass-ness had been stressing me out before Ol' Jeffy stuck his nose in our legal cannabis. After he announced the end of several federal cannabis protections dating back to 2009, anyone supporting Colorado's pot sector became paranoid — and it wasn't from smoking too much Haze. But alas, I'm a stoner, not a political analyst. So instead of giving you hot takes on how to fix this country (you have Facebook and your dad for that), here are ten strains that will help you deal with the mockery all of these fuck boys in Washington, D.C., have been making of our country.
While anyone who appreciates a vivid cerebral experience would enjoy the mind-bending high of LSD, it can be a little too kaleidoscopic for some. My peripheral vision is instantly eliminated upon smoking it, as is any sort of motivation to leave my seat. The heavy indica effects make it hard to imagine this being anything other than a nighttime strain for recreational purposes, but LSD’s strong ability to subdue could make it a daytime option for medical patients.
Amnesia Haze’s bark might be worse than its bite. While it can cause users to become dim if they overdo it, the fresh sativa makes me alert and productive after two or three bowls — and that doesn’t wane. The strain is popular among patients suffering from mental and physical fatigue as well as anxiety and eating disorders.
We haven’t found a POTUS with the balls to legalize this beautiful plant yet, but you can still walk softly and carry a big spliff of Presidential Kush. Maybe if more global leaders did, the world wouldn’t seem so scary.
Just like the band, the strain is understated but powerful, giving users of all tolerances a comfortable escape from daily tolls on the body and soul. Chemdawg 91 and San Fernando Valley OG Kush genetics create a relaxing but manageable high light on focus and worries. The high won’t have you swaying in a crowd of wooks without an expression on your face, but I still wouldn’t recommend smoking more than a couple hits before going out in public.
I’m not sure how open Dr. Quinn was to alternative medicine, but I like to think she’s doling out joints of Nurse Jackie to patients in the sky. True to its name, Nurse Jackie’s a healer. Her high is uplifting and manageable while relaxing the body and stomach at the same time, making it an obvious choice for those who have pain or trouble eating in the morning.
Ghost Train Haze
Although it’s known for testing above 25 percent THC, Ghost Train Haze has more desirable qualities than other top testers, with a much more dynamic flavor profile than Gorilla Glue and more consistent sativa effects than Blue Dream. Needless to say, a little bowl will go a long way with the Ghost. Toked in moderation, it can make users feel uplifted and creative, motivating them to do anything from write a poem to climb a Fourteener. But overdoing it can also cause paranoia and bring on a harsh case of cottonmouth, so start light and go from there.
Good for minor mental disorders, depression and stress, Chernobyl provides a calming but powerful head high that also helps with stomach issues. For recreational purposes, Chernobyl is fine for relaxation without exhaustion, as users can still have energy — albeit somewhat unfocused — despite the overwhelming euphoria.
Also known as Larry Bird in some circles, the Bay Area strain is a transplant that Colorado natives might actually want here, bred with Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies and Sunset Sherbet genetics for a silky but debilitating high. Relaxation and sleep have always been my two biggest takeaways from Gelato, but its heavy effects can also treat pain, depression and stomach issues. Although the strain can bring about creativity, the hazy head high might leave you out of order.
A strain that took its name from the famous adhesive should have the same brute power, and Gorilla Glue (the strain) definitely does. Its family lineage is basically a soda-fountain suicide concoction: a Chemdawg phenotype, Sour Dubb and Chocolate Diesel came together for a three-way that birthed some of the best trichome-producing buds on the planet.
No sense in trying to sugarcoat it — this strain will floor you if you’re not ready. Bubba Kush gives smokers a strong helping of stereotypical side effects: happy, hungry, sleepy — almost always in that order. Mild eating disorders, insomnia, stress and neck pain bow in submission.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.