We've patiently sat through constant reports of Prince William and Kate's big day. We're being bombarded hourly by updates about what color Kate's panties are going to be and what crazy diet she's on. About what tuxedo Prince William will sport and where he's getting his royal pubes trimmed. And we've done it all with smiles because we know eventually the moment will come. The moment they announce who will perform and what music will play.
It's been reported that Prince William likes '80s music, and the soon to be Princess enjoys the '70s jams; the official list of performers hasn't yet been released and, to be frank, we were just jolly well relieved the Black Eyed Peas weren't being considered on the list. We put our heads together and came up with some sweet bands we would love to see hit the stage to impress upon the world how important it is to keep rockin' out to their amazing music. Even if that rockin' out includes polyester suits and loads of hairspray.
The Police This is a pretty easy call -- primarily because Sting attends every event in Europe. He's God in that place, so why not force him into servitude by issuing a command performance...but only if he does it with The Police. They ruled the '80s, after all, and besides, Sting seems to loathe the idea of sharing the spotlight. And there's nothing like a good brawl between wedding singers...at the wedding. We think Kate and William will live happily ever after and all that shit, but we also think it's a good lesson to see what really happens when people break-up.
04. The Bee Gees We understand these guys are now one brother short, but their hits topped every single chart for most of the late '60s into the late '70s and that ensures their old school sound and sweet jams are perfect for the Royal wedding. Plus, don't they still kind of look like wedding singers? If they bust out some Saturday Night Fever jams, we bet even the Queen and her stuck up wave will be out on the floor dancing to "Stayin' Alive." Also, what better song to dance one's first dance to than "How Deep Is Your Love?"
03. Cher We think this propah English wedding could do with a little American brashness...and really, who's more American than Cher? This country's been rocking out to her jams since the '60s and with her new country album coming out (no, not kidding) she could really kick the dance floor into high gear. Of course, she would include classics like "Turn Back Time" and "Do You Believe in Love," but imagine the publicity she would get by performing "Half-Breed." Gotta work hard for your press when you're pushing seventy, mama.
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02. ABBA Princess Diana reportedly loved them and Prince William's fiancé is rumored to also be a massive fan. There is no way these wicked media whore band members are going to pass up a chance to be splashed all over the internet, televisions, radios and papers all over again. They already have Broadway musicals and a movie, so can you imagine the soundtrack this wedding would provide? They can dedicate "Dancing Queen" to the real goddamn queen, and here's fingers crossed that that old biddy gets up dances to it.
01. Prince Uh, first of all, his name is Prince, and he may be the only one in the world with the lace, the heels, and the bankroll to outshine Kate's dress. Hired!