Now That Climate Change Girl Scout Patch Exists, Here Are Ten More Ideas

Now That Climate Change Girl Scout Patch Exists, Here Are Ten More Ideas
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This month, an environmental group called Colorado Moms Know Best (no, seriously) and the Girl Scouts teamed up to school the state legislature and lieutenant governor on climate change challenges facing the 21st century. For doing this, they not only got a little experience in talking with our state’s elected officials — but also earned a new Climate Change patch.

Patches, of course, are a long tradition in Girl Scouting (Boy Scouts have badges — there’s probably a semantic gender bias there somewhere, but let’s move past that for the moment). This new patch is interesting because of its connection to climate change, a topic which in Trump’s America is not only rationally inarguable, but also still somehow controversial — because, you know, fuck science. So to have a patch that both confirms that climate change is a reality and encourages some education on the part of our legislators, some of whom have made a political career on disclaiming it? Pretty cool. It made us think: There must be other patch possibilities, maybe with a Rocky Mountain flavor. Here are ten possibilities.

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1. Nonprofit Naming Patch
The Girl Scouts can start with finding a new moniker for their clearly well-meaning and desperately-in-need-of-a-new-identity partner group Colorado Moms Know Best, which sounds less like an environmental organization and more like a group of North Face-clad mothers who laugh at you from behind their non-fat lattes because your jogging stroller doesn’t have off-road capability. Come on, “Colorado Moms Know Best": You’re supposed to be about environmental protection, not misplaced self-aggrandizement on a statewide scale.

2. Guerrilla Marketing Patch
The patch could be awarded for figuring out how and where to best sell copious boxes of the addictive Thin Mints and their cookie-goodness ilk. No, it’s not enough to let your aunt sell boxes to everyone at work; setting up a table at King Soopers won’t cut it, either. But setting up a stand outside the 4/20 event downtown? Pure genius, and definitely patch-worthy.

3. Street-Sweeping Notification Patch
Send the scouts door-to-door to remind the dwellers of Denver about that one day a month when they can’t park where they always park. It’s a perfect fit: It would serve the public by helping residents avoid the nuisance of a ticket and would help keep the city streets clean, and the Girl Scouts are well-trained in ringing doorbells. Of course, Denver’s revenue stream might take a hit — but tickets have never been about profit for city coffers, right? Right?

4. Prevarication Patch
Speaking of a city denying that it (at least in part) depends on the money accrued through ticketing its citizens for minor slights, there’s a lot of dishonesty in this world — especially since this last election. Learning to recognize it is something that the Girl Scouts (and all of us) need to master. To earn the patch, all kids need to do is be smarter than Sean Spicer, so it’s sort of a gimme.

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5. Gentrification Patch
Learning the alphabetics of Denver neighborhoods is only the beginning: Can the Scouts look at a dive bar and imagine the trendy beer garden that might replace it? Can they conceptualize shutting down a family-run tamale place in order to build another Chik-fil-A? Can they look at a block of classic bungalows and plan out some cookie-cutter neo-Stapleton? Good news: They get a patch, and probably a pretty lucrative career in development. Bad news? Most of the Westword readership will probably despise them.

Keep reading for more potential Girl Scout patches in Colorado.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen