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ColoradOwned: Ten Things in Colorado That You Shouldn't Let Own You

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Earlier this year, we posted about the Urban Dictionary term Coloradon't, defined as "Douchey things you shouldn't do in Colorado" — and came up with our own Coloradon't list.

But Coloradon't is hardly the site's only creative twist on our great state's name.

There's also ColoradOwned, which means "to be owned within Colorado's borders."

Of course, there's no shortage of stuff we love to be ColoradOwned by, including the natural beauty we enjoy in such abundance.

But there are also plenty of things we don't think should ColoradOwn anyone.

Here are ten examples.

Number 10: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Anti-Skiing Snowboarders

There's a certain type of snowboarder who feels anyone who still uses skis is stupid or lame or old-fashioned or a combination of all three. But you shouldn't have to apologize for preferring two planks to one.

Number 9: Don't be ColoradOwned by... Craft Beer Snobs

Sometimes you want the trendiest, most obscure microbrew imaginable. And sometimes you want a Coors. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty when you opt for the latter.

Number 8: Don't be ColoradOwned by... Beard fetishists

Not everyone can grow the perfect hipster beard — and those of us not blessed with the right pores shouldn't be obligated to try even if our more follicely gifted acquaintances imply that there's something wrong with us if we don't.

Number 7: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Rockies boycotters

Lots of Rockies fans will argue that the only way to make the owners put a better team on the diamond is to stop attending games. But do you really want to swear off the wonders of Coors Field to make that point? Of course not. So go ahead and belly up to the bar on the party deck. You deserve it.

Number 6: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Pot extremists

We're not only talking about the kind of people who continue to argue that marijuana legalization will cause Colorado's entire social fabric to unravel despite growing evidence that this isn't the case. Pro-cannabis boosters who act as if you're a traitor to the cause if you have the occasional glass of wine instead of a joint are capable of ColoradOwning, too.

Number 5: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Bicycling absolutists

Cycling is great — a mode of transportation that's friendly to the environment and your body. But if there are eighteen inches of snow on the ground, or you simply feel like hitting the highway in something with four wheels and a gas pedal, some enthusiasts will treat you as if you're decimating the planet. Our advice: ignore them — and pedal when you want.

Number 4: Don't be ColoradOwned by...The Too Coolers

We all know people who are so into discovering the new and exciting that they reject everything that's been around for a while. But the tried and true isn't always the boring and played-out. If you love the Tattered Cover and Red Rocks and Casa Bonita, you should. Because they're still great.

Number 3: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Moral zealots

Despite Colorado having a well-earned reputation for Western independence, there are still plenty of folks in these parts (and concentrated in certain areas...you know which ones) who are ready, willing and able to tell you whether what you're doing is sinful. But if your moral code is different from theirs, that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Number 2: Don't be ColoradOwned by...The Broncos

When the Broncos are winning, fans are overjoyed. But when they're not, too many of us sink into pigskin depression. We suggest you do your best to not let their performance dictate yours.

Number 1: Don't be ColoradOwned by...Workout fiends

Colorado seems to breed a certain kind of fitness obsession, where people aren't satisfied with simply being in good shape. Instead, they work out all the time and look down on anyone who doesn't — even those who'd qualify as ripped in any other state. But it's okay to take a break, and even have a cheeseburger every once in a while. We won't tell — promise.

Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.

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