Bovine Baron’s “Denver Milk Off” Brought Dozens Out to Chug Some Jugs

Around 100 people descended on Denver’s Observatory Park on Sunday, April 19, for one thing: the Denver Milk Off.

What began as an April Fool’s joke quickly turned into a major milk-chugging competition that included a trophy, grand entrances and a championship milk shower.

It all started with flyers posted around town on April 1 featuring the “Bovine Baron,” a man hellbent on challenging all comers to milk-drinking competitions. The flyers were supposed to be an inside joke, but after receiving over eighty texts and calls requesting bouts, the Baron and his friends decided to hold a public chug-off with fellow dairy lovers. 

“I thought, maybe, ten people would come,” the Baron said on Sunday as a much larger crowd formed. “But I’m gonna crush them. Easy.” 

Dozens of contestants and even more spectators gathered in a corner of the park as drinkers weighed their milk, compared varieties and took photos with the Baron himself, who was somewhat of a celebrity throughout the afternoon.

“My milk brother in Christ,” a twenty-something in sunglasses said, before hugging the Baron.

One man asked a fellow contestant if he could spare one of his four half-gallon bottles of milk. “No. I’m going to drink it all,” the well-stocked competitor said. (He did not.)

Opinions on skim milk, chugging amounts and the admission of chocolate syrup were shared. Contestants came armed with Oreos, Lactaid and chocolate syrup.

As the five-minute window closed, some of them left their hearts and stomach contents on the asphalt. Most people, including the Baron, tapped out at around a half-gallon.

But one man rose above the rest, chugging around 1.5 gallons of milk before being honored with a trophy and championship milk shower. According to the newly reigning lactose legend, he drinks about one gallon of milk per day as part of his nutrition routine.

“I used to be 120 pounds, like, ten years ago. I started going with GOMAD: a gallon of milk a day, and then just put on all this weight. I doubled my weight, so that’s how I put on all my calories,” the chugging champion said. “I drink a lot of milk, all kinds of milk. I love soy milk, skim milk, 2 percent, 1 percent, raw. I’ll drink all of it. Milk is love.”

The aftermath was rancid and full of confused, nauseated people stumbling to their cars, passing bewildered tennis players and dog walkers on their way out of an otherwise pristine park.

We can’t wait to see it again next year. According to the Baron, “It’s on, for sure.”