Politics

Delegating Denver #18 of 56: Indiana

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Indiana

Total Number of Delegates: 79 Pledged: 66 Unpledged: 13

How to Recognize an Indiana Delegate: The origin of the term "Hoosiers" is uncertain. Many of the definitions for the term are synonymous with "simpleton." But Indianans are anything but simple; in fact, to most Americans, Hoosiers are incomprehensibly complex. How did these two opposing concepts get crossed? Well, for starters, Indiana calls itself "The Crossroads of America." In this country, crossroads are typically reserved for the building of churches or truck stops, depending on whether the nearby residents want salvation or sin. Indianans have built both, which explains why the state boasts the largest number of the nation's conservative religious and social organizations while simultaneously serving as home to the Kinsey Institute for Sex and Gender. Similarly, Indiana delegates will exude an overwhelming presence of "vanilla" but will give themselves away with socially awkward comments. Dead giveaways for identifying Hoosiers: delegates wearing St. John's Bay Career Sportswear Casuals who excitedly ask about other state delegations' sleeping arrangements while nervously perusing their lunch menus.

Famous Indianans: Socially awkward TV talk-show host David Letterman; socially awkward musicians John (Cougar) Mellencamp, David Lee Roth and Axl Rose, plus Janet, Michael, LaToya, Jermaine, Tito, Randy, Jackie and Marlon Jackson; socially awkward actors James Dean, Jo Anne Worley, Greg Kinnear, Brendan Fraser and Shelley Long; socially awkward vice-presidents Schuyler Colfax, Thomas A. Hendricks, Charles W. Fairbanks, Thomas Marshall and Dan Quayle; pill producer Colonel Eli Lilly; chicken fryer Colonel Sanders; popcorn popper Orville Redenbacher; and art popper Robert Indiana.

Famous Indiana Democrats: Former Senator Birch Bayh; former governor and current senator Evan Bayh; and 7th District Representative Julia Carson.

Famous Indianans With Denver Connections: Cripple Creek gold baron Winfield Scott Stratton; Denver Broncos unproven hopeful quarterback Jay Cutler; Colorado Rockies pitcher LaTroy Hawkins; Rockmont Ranchwear founder Jack Weil; denied lesbian bride Sheila Schroeder; and demented thespian (KWGN) reporter Chris Parente.

State Nickname: The Hoosier State, the Crossroads of America, Mother of Vice Presidents (official); the Cracker State, the Redneck State, America's Truck Stop (unofficial) Population: 6,313,520 Racial Distribution: 86.5% white, 8% black, 1.2% Asian, 0.3% Native American, 4% Hispanic Per Capita Personal Income: $28,783 Unemployment: 5.1%

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Sean Cronin