Politics

Delegating Denver #56 of #56: Wyoming

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Wyoming

Total Number of Delegates: 18 Pledged: 12 Unpledged: 6

How to Recognize a Wyoming Delegate: The majority of Wyomingites are uneducated, foul-mouthed cretins who look like toothless meth addicts out on parole. But those are just the Republicans who hate to pay taxes and abide by federal regulations. Wyoming women were the first in the nation to gain equal rights, not out of principle, but simply because someone had to work and they proved willing to fill positions in every field -- from game wardens to Governor. Plus, working women gave Wyoming men the time they needed to drive around in their filthy pickup trucks, drink in trashy saloons and then go back to their squalid trailers and have the kind of drunken brokeback-buddy sex that overturns nightstands, breaks hearts and captures Hollywood's imagination. The handful of Democrats who live in the Equality State are completely different. Most of them are lawyers from Cheyenne or professors from Laramie. And those two border towns aren't even considered a part of the "real Wyoming" by state Republicans. Consequently, Cowboy State delegates in Denver will actually look like Twilight Zone clones of residents of the northern Colorado cities of Greeley and Loveland. All will dress in the latest reduced-price fashions from the Bargain Barn department of the Sierra Trading Post Outlet in Cheyenne. Females will wear the April Cornell® for Orvis collection of side-yoked skirts and smocked dresses, paired with Korkers® Wetland Wading Boots and an ample coating of SPF 85 mosquito repellent with Deet. Male delegates will wear Riviera® Wrinkle-Resistant Dress Pants and Nat Nast® Panhandle Slim Camp Shirts with H.S.Trask® bison-leather oxfords and two pair of socks.

Famous Wyomingites: United States Second Lady Lynne Cheney; White House press secretary Dana Perino; abstract-expressionist Jackson Pollock; sportscaster Curt Gowdy; NBC News correspondent Pete Williams; Twilight Zone TV screenwriter George Clayton Johnson; post-apocalyptic sci-fi writer Theodore Judson; Grateful Dead lyricist and former Dick Cheney campaign manager John Perry Barlow; America's most successful trial attorney Gerry Spence; gay actor Jim J. Bullock; Deadwood actor Jim Beaver; Matthew Shepard, the gay Laramie student whose murder prompted both the U.S. House and Senate to pass hate-crimes bills that President Bush says he'll veto if they reach his desk.

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Joe Tone
Contact: Joe Tone