Here's Why Shelby Figueroa Shouldn't Have Stolen a Police SUV While on Cocaine

The best Schmucks of the Week are worth the wait.

As proof, let us introduce you to Shelby Figueroa.

The incident that temporarily transformed Figueroa's face from the her normal look, as seen above on the left, to the battered visage at right took place way back in 2012, when she stole a police SUV while alcohol and cocaine were coursing through her system.

More than three years later, she's finally been sentenced, giving us the long-delayed opportunity to formalize her Schmuckification.

Back in September 2012, Figueroa, then eighteen, was reportedly pulled over on Interstate 70 near Silver Plume — but not for speeding.

Indeed, the first deputy on the scene said she clocked in at one or two miles per hour while driving in the middle lane.

Shortly thereafter, Figueroa was restrained and loaded into a jail transport — but her hands were small enough to slip out of her handcuffs.

Next, Figueroa commandeered the ride and took off at a considerably faster rate of speed that before (ninety MPH-plus), with other law-enforcement vehicles in hot pursuit, as seen in this Colorado Department of Transportation video.



Eventually, Figueroa hit a spike strip and wiped out near exit 200.

As seen above, her face took a pounding during the crash.

But the SUV wasn't in any better shape.

Here's the visual evidence.


Afterward, tests showed that Figueroa had both alcohol and cocaine in her system at the time of the accident.

Three years later, the wheels of justice have finally turned Figueroa's way.

According to CBS4, the now-21-year-old Figueroa has been sentenced to four years in stir and ordered to fork over more than $30,000 in restitution.

But there's no charge for naming her our latest Schmuck of the Week.