Admittedly, there is some conspiring involved, though not of the sinister theoretical type. DIA is partnering with Denver Workforce Development, a division of Denver Economic Development & Opportunity, on the annual in-person job fair from 11 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. on Tuesday, August 12, on the plaza between the Jeppesen Terminal and the hotel. "There are many opportunities to find your path at DEN, no matter what your skill set or level of experience is," says CEO Phil Washington. “We’re thrilled to be partnering with DEDO again this year to help match qualified job seekers with exciting and critical positions at one of the world’s busiest airports.”
Part-time, full-time, hourly and salaried positions will be featured by more than fifty airport employers across multiple areas including airlines, concessions, rental car companies and the City and County of Denver.
And there are other, more unexpected positions that the event isn't advertising. If you’re more Addams Family than Adams County, here are ten jobs for which the airport might be hiring…at that weird table over in the dark corner of the job fair.
Blucifer Maintenance (and Eventual Sacrifice)
Part of the bargain that the Denver mayor’s office made with Blucifer — which is, as most suspect, a demonic entity from an unknown layer of the Hells — was that the facility would employ someone to clean and polish the gleaming blue skin of the beast, and keep its red eyes free from snow, ice or debris in order for better oversight of those doomed souls traveling past. This is the most highly paid position at DIA, in the high six figures, depending on experience. Note: This position will terminate in the eventual demise of the employee — thus the pay, which will go to your next of kin.
CHUD Control, Abandoned Automated Bag Tunnels
When the airport abandoned its vaunted automatic baggage network that spiderwebs all over the facility not too long after initial construction, a new population moved right in. Said population — the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 1984 documentary of the same name — needs to be tightly controlled in order to prevent CHUD representatives from emerging into traveler-access areas of the airport and eating people. Pay for this position is by bounty only; light armor is provided, but prospective hires must bring their own weapons and related certifications.
Illuminati Doorman
What’s the point of having a secret society that rules the world with absolute power hidden behind a thin veneer of non-existence if you can’t have someone dressed like a drum major to open doors for you and kindly ask about your day? Hourly pay plus tips — though to be honest, the Illuminati are pretty tight with a dollar.
Reptilian Kingdom Postmates Driver
Do you know how tough it is for the lizard people to escape the cavernous depths of their Great Underground Kingdom when they have a yearning for tacos or a bucket of chicken? Just because they’ve scaled horrors from the depths and sworn to eventually overtake the surface world with merciless claw and tooth doesn’t mean they don’t occasionally deserve some Illegal Pete's.
Frontier Apologist
Immediate openings are available for Customer Service positions with Frontier, working its Complaint Desks, which now outnumber its working check-in kiosks. Successful applicants must have very little sense of shame or personal empathy for the suffering of others. They must also have experience in fabrication of alternative facts while retaining a condescending composure; anyone with Trump administration experience moves to the front of the line. (Note: Employees will be charged independently for their Frontier vest-uniforms, their name tags, any meals or bathroom breaks, and the time cards used to punch in and out.)
Moving Walkway Hamster Wheel Operator
Everyone seems to think that the moving walkways just happen, like magic or something. But no — that’s hard work beneath each moving walkway, performed by a crew of ten to twelve walking constantly to keep the sidewalks moving, primarily so that young children can walk on them backwards and look super cool. Perks of the position include team spirit (required) and getting to skip leg day at the gym for, like, ever.
"There's no such thing as the New World Airport Commission," said a representative of the New World Airport Commission.
The time capsule capstone near the south entrance of the airport was interred on March 19, 1994. It won’t be opened until 2094, but in the meantime, it’s leaking serious amounts of radiation owing to the Rocky Flats “memorabilia” that was included. Hazmat suits will be provided by the employer, as will radiation-scrub showers at the end of every workday — twice if you’re pulling a double. Pay is $40/hour and includes a decontamination break for fifteen minutes out of every hour. Requirement: Security is not allowed to discuss any connection between this radiation leak and the CHUD infestation in baggage, or confirm existence of employer.
Mile-Low Ark Quartermaster
Yes, there’s a nine-level bunker stretching more than a mile beneath the surface of the airport, ready to house and maintain up to 6,000 of Denver’s most important citizens. (If you're one of them, you're not considering this position.) Keeping the facilities clean and well stocked with up-to-date food, water, media and the like is more than a full-time job, and serving the re-population efforts following the pending apocalypse is a noble cause. Feel good about what you do for work! Competitive pay offered, but no berths within the Ark are available at this time.
Gargoyle Wrangler
Do you like luggage and ornamental monsters? Then perhaps joining the Gargoyle Wrangling team is for you. Few Coloradans recall the Great Gargoyle herds on the Eastern Plains that had been relocated from Bavaria in the mid-1800s; back then, they’d inhabit barrels and steamer trunks. These days, the remaining gargoyle population is much reduced, but the creatures still love to take up residence in old and discarded suitcases — and DIA needs your help in keeping them under control. Nets and/or lassos required; do not bring backpacks.
You're traveling on the A Line, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. Next stop...Denver International Airport.
Because really, up to this point we’ve just been winging it.
