Ten Incredibly Stupid Things to Do in Honor of the Fourth of July

Okay, so everyone knows that fireworks are actually pretty stupid things to play with -- even the "safe" ones are Class C explosives. But the recent discovery of a Denver garage full of the stuff (not to mention the burnt paper wads that will litter gutters on July 5th) seems to suggest that we as a city may still not accept this all too well. So in honor of the upcoming holiday -- and to perhaps save what’s left of our Colorado mountain forests -- here are ten other dangerous ways to celebrate the Fourth of July. After all, if you’re going to be an idiot, might as well go all the way.

10. Deep-Fry Watermelons

Hey, it works for turkey on Thanksgiving. And in this case, it’s just your garage -- and maybe your home -- going up in flames, and not half of Jefferson county.

9. Take Douglas Bruce’s Picture

Just make sure to stay out of kicking range. (Or "nudging" range, should you be one of Bruce’s few remaining supporters.)

8. Fire a Gun Into the Air

Ah, old-time fireworks in the Old West. This is still legal, by the way, so long as you’re a prospector named Smitty, you live in a shack on the edge of town, you have a horse named Dusty, and it’s 1872.

7. Attend a Rockies Game

An afternoon with the Boys of Blake Street sounds fun, I know... but these days it might just break your heart.

6. LSD

Just as illegal as fireworks, but just think -- with hallucinogens, even the common street lamp becomes a light show in the sky. And if you get a string of Christmas lights to stare at? Whoa, Nelly!

5. Dip Your Hand Into the Piranha Tank at the Downtown Aquarium

This could catch on. Sort of like an x-treme version of bullriding. Instead of seeing how fast you can stay on a bull, how long can you keep your hand from being completely denuded of flesh? Sadly, not an event you can participate in more than twice.

4. Fight Club

What happens when you get punched hard enough in the head? You see stars. And it’s free, except for the brain cells. I’d tell you more, but you know the first rule of Fight Club.

3. Cruise Federal Boulevard

What, with gas prices like these?

2. Catch Fireflies in a Jar

This is actually a great idea if you live in the Midwest, where fireflies actually can be found. In Denver, you’re looking at a glass jar full of nothing but disappointment.

1. Arson!

It’s almost like fireworks, except you’re cutting out the middle man. -- Teague Bohlen

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts