As if the news about the Denver Broncos wasn't bad enough already, now we hear that the two best players on the team's hideous defense, Champ and Boss Bailey, are both hurt; Champ's on the shelf for four to six weeks with a groin injury, while Boss needs knee surgery and is done for the season.
Clearly, the team needs some replacement Baileys -- and luckily, we've found ten of them. See the list below. Granted, some of them seem like better options than others. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
10. Beetle Bailey
Pros: Hasn't aged a day in years.
Cons: As a cartoon, he probably can't mount much of a pass rush.
9. Pearl Bailey
Pros: With that incredible voice, she could definitely be heard shouting out defensive plays over the loudest of crowds.
Cons: She died in 1990. Not that she still wouldn't be better than a lot of the Broncos' current squad.
8. Raymond Bailey
Pros: Milburn Drysdale, the character he played on The Beverly Hillbillies, ran a bank -- which could come in handy as far as bribing opponents.
Cons: He's dead, too (since 1980). And besides, his bank's probably not in line for a federal bailout, despite all of Jed Clampett's bubblin'-crude-fueled deposits.
7. Gary Bailey
Pros: Actually played football.
Cons: He's fifty-years old. And in this country, we call the brand of football Gary played "soccer."
6. Derek Bailey
Pros: Renowned for being quick and nimble.
Cons: As an avant-garde guitarist, the only parts of him that were renowned for being quick and nimble were his fingers. And there's that unfortunate he-died-in-2005-thing, too.
5. The Old Bailey
Pros: Stolid. Stout. Built to last.
Cons: Seeing as how it's a building, it might have a hard time getting out of the blocks.
4. Bill Bailey
Pros: This comedian's British humor could confuse opposing players.
Cons: This comedian's British humor could confuse his teammates, too.
3. Corinne Bailey Rae
Pros: She's got the kind of intelligence we seldom find in athletes.
Cons: Might demand that "Put Your Records On" be used after touchdowns instead of "Rock and Roll Part 2."
2. Philip Bailey
Pros: As a Denver native, he actually likes the Broncos.
Cons: Once duetted with Phil Collins -- which is a con in every circumstance.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Bailey's Irish Cream
Pros: Tasty and intoxicating -- perfect for a cold December game.
Cons: Not any that we can see. -- Michael Roberts