Commentary

Ten Other Reasons Amazon Should Move to Denver

Possibly coming soon to a skyline near you.
Possibly coming soon to a skyline near you. Simone Brunozzi at Flickr
The New York Times gave Denver a thumbs-up in its September 9 issue, writing in an article titled “Dear Amazon, We Picked Your New Headquarters for You” that the second home base for the ’net-retail giant should be (drum roll)…right here in the Mile High. The NYT's reasons are the usual stuff that we already know about good ol’ Denver: a young and smart population, ready to work; a central location in the U.S., with an international airport; and a fantastic quality of life, complete with good mass-transit options (shhh…don’t tell them that it sometimes doesn’t work).

But as much as we appreciate the approval, with all due respect, we think that the New York Times missed a few points in our elevated favor. Here are the top ten reasons it didn’t consider...but should have.

click to enlarge You can't spell "Champagne" without "Champa" (Street). - QUINN DOMBROWSKI AT FLICKR
You can't spell "Champagne" without "Champa" (Street).
Quinn Dombrowski at Flickr
10. Thinner Air, Easier Shipping
If the Rockies can hit the horsehide farther with less relative effort, then it stands to reason that the same would hold true for packages. They’d shoot out of the distribution centers like the cork out of the champagne Amazon stockholders will consume when they see the increase in speed reflected in their quarterly earnings.

New World Airport Commission, the New World Order. and the rap group NWA are all the same thing. Mind: blown. - DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
New World Airport Commission, the New World Order. and the rap group NWA are all the same thing. Mind: blown.
Denver International Airport
9. Denver and DIA Are Already Home to the Illuminati
Or the New World Order, or the Reptoids, or whatever weird doomsday cult people think are using the fabled secret tunnels underneath the airport. Sure, it might all be complete crap, but…what if it’s not? We have to think that a giant company like Amazon has some ties to the Illuminati.

click to enlarge Maybe we can utilize the online shopping cart to buy beers. - HEATH ALSEIKE AT FLICKR
Maybe we can utilize the online shopping cart to buy beers.
Heath Alseike at Flickr
8. Mile High Stadium? Try Amazon Marketplace at Mile High
With a strong sports-fan base already in place, Amazon can move right in and jump on the bandwagon — and by that we mean pay for skyboxes and advertising all over the place. And what better spot to put the Amazon smiley-arrow than right there where it says "Sports Authority?" Other naming rights we’d consider: Casa Amazon Bonita. Hell, we’ll even turn the Big Blue Bear into a giant blue Danbo, if you want.


7. Tom Shane
Jeff Bezos, you, too, can have a friend in the diamond business.

click to enlarge The Denver Post — so far gone it's tough to see. - ARANAMI AT FLICKR
The Denver Post — so far gone it's tough to see.
Aranami at Flickr
6. There’s Another Post in Need of Saving
That whole buying-the-Washington-Post thing went pretty well back in 2013. Maybe Bezos can add to his Post empire by purchasing Denver’s own. After all, just like groceries, newspapers are real things that can be held, and Amazon seems intent on embracing the physical, moving in more tactile directions. Bezos can be another print-media hero, Amazon can add to its clout as an overall media giant, and Denver can still have a hometown daily that’s larger than a school newspaper. Win-win-win-sad-win!


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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen