What happens when the state decides to hold a last-minute meeting on a controversial topic like medical marijuana, then tries to hold it via a conference call using technology that apparently no one knows how to work? Comic genius.
The November 3 teleconference's official transcript reveals the chaos and confusion among those who attended the packed meeting at the office of the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. While the public was invited to call in and listen to the hearing, it turns out that no one flicked the right switch or toggled the right doohickey to make sure the listeners were put on mute. Instead, everyone was allowed to comment freely over the phone during the meeting — and comment they did.
The resulting transcript (unedited excerpts follow; see the entire thing on the Latest Word blog at westword.com) reads straight out of Cheech and Chong Go to Washington. — Joel Warner
UNID MALE: There's about 200 people in this building. Oh, yeah. It's a madhouse.
UNID MALE 2: (indiscernible) last night.
UNID MALE: (indiscernible) of medical marijuana. You guys will never be able to (indiscernible) ever. You are way too big.
UNID MALE 2: (indiscernible) laxative.
UNID MALE: Forty million marijuana smokers in America. Gimme a break. (Simultaneous conversation)
UNID MALE 2: Hey, man. (indiscernible) you need to put your phone on mute. I know everyone in that room can hear what you're saying, so put your phone on mute.
UNID MALE 3: We're trying to take a roll call of the board.
UNID MALE: He's going to get the roll call (indiscernible) roll call (indiscernible).
UNID MALE 2: I got instructions...
UNID FEMALE: We can't hear you. It sounds like three other people have joined.
UNID MALE: I can hear.
UNID FEMALE 2: We're going to have two separate call lines going. So some of the beeping that you're hearing is the line that you're not on.
UNID FEMALE 3: I got in.
UNID MALE: (Indiscernible) it's on.
UNID MALE 2: What?
UNID MALE: We're fine here. (indiscernible) everybody else. We know we've (indiscernible) we're going to (indiscernible) everybody else.
UNID FEMALE: On the conference call, please mute your phones and take them off speaker phone now.
(Simultaneous conversation)
UNID MALE: (indiscernible) relationship (indiscernible) barbecues every couple of months. I mean —
UNID MALE 2: Shut up.
UNID MALE: — we do it the way they want it, but —
UNID MALE 3: Whoever is having the conversation about barbecues, your phone is not on mute. Respect —
LATER IN THE CONVERSATION:
They defined managed as to direct, control, govern, administer, oversee. The Court also (indiscernible) —
(Music playing)
UNID MALE: Hello. What's going on?
UNID FEMALE: The music, please.
UNID FEMALE 2: Turn that off.
UNID MALE: Somebody has on music. Please turn the music off.
UNID MALE 2: Mute the phone.
UNID MALE: They're going to have to put us all on hold.
(Music playing)
UNID MALE: Hey, idiot with the music, turn it off.
UNID FEMALE: Get rid of the music now.
UNID MALE 2: Can we please get that person off of this call?
UNID MALE: Dude, mute the phone!
UNID FEMALE: This is the most important part of this.
(Music playing)
UNID FEMALE: Is it possible for the moderator to respond?
UNID MALE: There is no moderator. That's why they call this chaos.
UNID FEMALE: I don't think (indiscernible) this music on.
UNID MALE 2: This person is in violation of the law, and in (indiscernible) —
(Simultaneous conversation)
UNID MALE 2: — the notice. Turn off the music.
(Music playing)
UNID MALE 2: This is a violation of the law. You are violating public (indiscernible) rules (indiscernible). Turn off your phone and music now.
LATER IN THE CONVERSATION:
JAN: — regarding 5 C.C.R. 1006-2, regulation 2, definitions, submitted by Robert J. Corey, Attorney at Law, November 3rd —
(Simultaneous conversation)
JAN: — the proposed —
UNID MALE: Mute your got-damn phone.
JAN: — (indiscernible) is —
UNID FEMALE: Hello.
(Simultaneous conversation)
JAN: — three. And it reads significant responsibility for managing the well-being of the patient means —
JAN: — more than merely supplying a patient (indiscernible) —
UNID MALE: Shut up about your fucking mango.
LATER IN THE CONVERSATION:
G. SCHLABS: Are there other questions or comments from the board, Karen?
(Simultaneous conversation)
UNID MALE: Legalize it.
K. MULCH: No, there is not.
UNID MALE: Legalize it.
UNID MALE 2: Shut up.
G. SCHLABS: I'd like to thank you all for (indiscernible). And (indiscernible) any objections (indiscernible), we're adjourned.
(Simultaneous conversation)
UNID MALE: Legalize it.
(Simultaneous conversation)
(Recording ends)
