Tough Lover

Last April, Mike Lynch moved to Thailand because he loved the women's asses.

The only things he misses from his ten years in Colorado are skiing and singing in the church choir. He certainly doesn't miss his former Highlands Ranch neighbors, who never smiled, never said hello.

Divorced in 1984 after four years of marriage and one son, Lynch first traveled to Thailand with Richard Beals in 2004. Searching for a Thai bride, he met a woman who slipped in under Richard's radar, the radar he relies on to screen potential mates for his American clients. Lynch fell for the woman and returned to see her last March. It turned out that she was a "bar girl" who said she'd stop selling her body for sex if Lynch would give her $1,000 a month. Otherwise, she'd have to continue her career as a prostitute, because she had to support her mother.

Thanks but no thanks, Lynch said. He soon returned to Thailand on his own and met another woman he liked, but all she talked about was moving to the United States. Lynch started thinking about moving to Thailand instead.

In April 2005, he flew to Bangkok on a one-way ticket. He hasn't returned to the U.S. since, although he'd like to go see his grandchild, born five days after he left the country. And now he's actually thinking about having another child of his own if he meets the right woman -- which he fully expects to do, considering that he's now having more luck with the ladies than he did in the past four decades.

"On the first day God made Thai asses, and on the seventh day he was awful tired, and that's when he made U.S. asses," says Lynch, who considers himself a God-fearing man.

To pay the bills, Lynch works about 35 hours a week teaching English at an elementary school. He says he loves the job and gets to chat with about a hundred kids a day. "I'm very happy," he says. "I look forward to going to work, and I volunteer on my lunch hour because there are kids that are gifted."

One of the high points of his life in Thailand was when his school had him sign a birthday book for the king. Another high point was teaching English to employees of a bra corporation. The class consisted of one man and ten women -- eight of them in their twenties.

There are drawbacks to living in Thailand, Lynch says. There are no laundromats, so he gets his stuff washed by a mom-and-pop shop, but there's no dryer, so he has to hang his wardrobe out to dry. Internet hookups aren't easily installed into private residences, he doesn't have a car, the sidewalks are bad, the bus drivers are crazy, and though he's getting close to fluent in Thai, there's still a language barrier. Thai bathrooms only have air blowers to dry hands, so he carries his own paper towels in a duffel bag along with toilet paper, just in case. The paper towels come in handy at work, too. Lynch said he likes his outdoor desk but that it's always dusty, and he has to wipe it off every day. And there's no air-conditioning, either.

Lynch came for the ass but has grown to appreciate the rest of the person, too. He loves the friendly Thai people. The men don't hate him because he has Thai girlfriends; he says they encourage him. He loves the warm weather and the beaches, and he looks forward to raising a child in Thailand. He's hoping for a daughter.

Lynch kicks back in a tie and tinted prescription glasses as he thinks about his typical day. Up at 4 a.m. to work out, breakfast and then an hour to get ready for work. Getting to work is a haul, a combination of catching a ride in the back of a pickup truck or a van, sometimes a motorcycle, a boat and a bus. Altogether, it takes about an hour and a half each way -- and that's when he doesn't miss the bus because he's too busy looking at Thai asses.

But it only costs him $2 a day, and Lynch says it's worth the commute -- he likes to party in Bangkok and be close to home.

He plans to call Thailand home for good.

"In 58 years in the U.S., there's a lot I didn't see. I didn't see the Grand Canyon, but you know what? It's a big hole -- and I see those two gals leaning against the wall over there, and I say, 'Fuck the big hole."

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Luke Turf