If you've never read Anthony Bourdain's infamous post on Michael Ruhlman's blog eviscerating Food Network stars and proposing theoretical Iron Chef matches, please do so now. It's one of the funniest bits of food writing out there.
So when I read that Paula Deen got an accidental pork facial during a charity event, I couldn't help but chuckle just a bit at the irony (a ham hits a "ham" -- get it?). I actually don't mind Paula Deen at all. She doesn't seem pretentious and I just think she found a niche and figured out a way to hack out a living doing it. Nonetheless, I propose that the following ten "celebrity" chefs (from the Food Network and elsewhere) receive the appropriate gastronomic projectile hurled at their noggins:
1) Guy Fieri and a 15-inch Mexican spaghetti hoagie.
In homage of the man who loves to take completely contrasting culinary concepts and smash them together like a bizarre food derby. The impact of the sandwich wouldn't hurt, but the hours required to "desauce" his hair would be sufficient. 2) Rachel Ray and a Christmas-sized Hillshire Farm summer sausage.
For nothing else than the mark it would leave. I would spend hours practicing my form.
3) Sandra Lee and a can of Spaghetti O's.
I got Boudain's back on this. The can is dense and metal, inflicting maximum damage.
4) Rocco DiSpirito and a plate of Mario Batali's "mint love letters with spicy lamb sausage."
Just so he knows what Italian food is supposed to taste like.
5) Gordon Ramsay and a Martha Stewart Bundt cake.
Because one media whore deserves another.
6) Tyler Florence and a full order of Applebee's baby back ribs.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
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7) Giada De Laurentiis and a milkshake.
If you don't get it, I'll send you a diagram. 8) Wolfgang Puck and a foie gras torchon.
I'd just like for him to remember where he came from. Rumor has it he's a badass French chef and doesn't really need to open "express" versions of his restaurants. Denver used to have a Wolfgang Puck restaurant. Does anyone remember that catastrophe?
9) Guy Fieri and cheddar-stuffed Rocky Mountain oysters.
Just as he gets the hoagie from #1 wiped off of him, he gets walloped with the piping hot oysters to remind him what a "cheesedick" he is. If you don't get this one, you're on your own.
10) Emeril Legasse and a foil-wrapped carnitas burrito from Chipotle.
Why? Because he absolutely rapes the pronunciation of the word "chipotle" and pronounces it "chipotay." It twists my nipples something fierce. But I secretly respect the man, so I leave the foil on so he can enjoy the burrito after it catches him upside the noodle.
Feel free to add your own combos of targets and ammo in the comment section below.