Because Valentine's Day means romance, and romance means marriage (unless you are gay and live in one of 43 states that prohibit gay marriage) and marriage means you have to propose, which of course means you have to think of some awesome way to do it. Football season's over, bro. That jumbo-tron idea will have to wait until next year. And so, as long as you're taking your beloved out to some sort of restaurant anyway, you might as well turn to Pizza Hut -- the nation's sexiest food-type chain of franchises -- to help a brother out. All it'll cost you is $10,000.
What you already know is that Pizza Hut's $10 Dinner Box promotion is hot shit: For a limited time, you can get one medium one-topping pizza, five breadsticks and five cinnamon sticks for the mind-grape-popping price of -- wait for it -- $10. And the box includes dipping sauces, bitch! What you might not know is that this exclusive offer is also the parent of another, even more exclusive offer -- or shall we call it...a proposal?
Yes we should, because it involves an actual proposal of marriage, one that Pizza Hut is set to provide the assist on in the most extravagant way you never even imagined. It's Pizza Hut's Tie the Knot with the $10 Dinner Box, a ring-popping scenario that the lucky lady is 100 percent guaranteed never to forget, and possibly not in a good way.
"The Dinner Box is appetizer, dinner and dessert all in one package," I'm told by a Pizza Hut corporate spokesperson who, weirdly, prefers not to be named, "and the connection is, the Tie the Knot promotion is also everything all in one package." What, specifically, might that package include? Feast your eyes on these bullet points:
- Red Ruby Ring
- Limo Service
- Fireworks show
- $10 Dinner Box
The ring, Pizza Hut Corporate Spokesperson tells me, is a diamond-encrusted piece of badassery anchored by an emerald cut ruby of the deepest blood red (she didn't actually say the thing about the deepest blood red -- I'm just assuming that), and everything else is tailored to your exacting specifications. Here's how it works: You sign up for the package and within 24 hours, a Pizza Hut representative gets in touch with you to make sure you know that you didn't enter a contest to win this thing and that you definitely have to pay $10,000 for it (technically, it's $10,010, including purchase of the Dinner Box, which is mandatory), and assuming you're okay with that, you move forward, working with Pizza Hut every step of the way.Just close your eyes and picture it: You pick her up in the sweet-ass limo, hand her the flowers, take her somewhere nice/fireworks-permissible, then you get down on one knee and pop out that ruby ring -- all blinging-ass like some uber-pimp communication device from the future -- and you're like, "Shawnda, will you marry me?" and at that point, whether she says yes or no, you've got a sweet-ass ring and a fireworks show, plus you've still got that $10 dinner box to eat, along with its comforting variety of dipping sauces. Either way, you're in for one classy evening.
And Pizza Hut Corporate Spokesperson assures me that Pizza Hut does indeed intend to keep this deal classy -- it's not a merchandising op. There'll be no Pizza Hut logos, no Pizza Hut promotional materials -- just Pizza Hut having your back and putting a ring on it. In fact, Pizza Hut Corporate Spokesperson seems pretty offended I even asked. "I mean, if they wanted to do it at a Pizza Hut, we'd be open to that, but we're definitely not pushing people in that direction or anything," she says. "We want people to know that Pizza Hut is involved in this process, but no, there won't be a Pizza Hut logo on the limo."
Now you've got your plan, but sadly, there is also a catch: Pizza Hut is only offering ten of these deals, and Pizza Hut Corporate Spokesperson tells me that -- shockingly -- they've already had about 800 people sign up. Pizza Hut is in the process right now of making sure all those people know they didn't enter a contest, but once they figure out who's actually ready to take the plunge, they'll be doling the packages out on a first-come, first-served basis. So if you haven't signed up already, looks like you're probably back to that lame-ass sky-writing idea.
And those lucky folks destined to snap one of these things up? At least they'll know their proposal is going to be...unique. Sort of.