Not attracted to my husband: What should I do?
Welcome to Ask Willie D, where legendary rapper Willie D of the Geto Boys answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
Dear Willie D,
I am a female working at the same computer-repair company for three years with a guy who has the most awful breath ever. I do everything in my power to not get too close to him, but it's difficult because he is my supervisor. He is the type who likes to get right up in your face when he speaks to you. Sometimes I turn my head to avoid being in his direct line of breathing fire, but unless I'm at least four feet away from him, it's just no use.
I like my job, but my co-worker's sewer-stink breath is so bad that I'm at a point at which I'm considering new employment. What do you think is the best way to deal with this issue?
Grown folks with bad breath have lived long enough to be told they have bad breath on more than one occasion. So believe me, this is a fact that your supervisor is well aware of. From here on out, whenever he comes near you, start eating gum or mints and offer some to him. If not the first time, one day he will reply, "What, does my breath stink or something?"
That's your opening, at which point you should respond in the most lighthearted, friendly tone, "Yeah, it does." This may seem a little crude, but there's really no other way to say it if you stand to benefit from him continuing to address the issue in the future.
Here's another idea: The next time his birthday comes around, instead of pinning dollars on him or buying a gift, bring him a Listerine-flavored cake. However, you must exercise caution with this choice, because if he doesn't have a comedian's sense of humor, you will get fired on the spot. So make sure you have enough money to get by until you find new employment.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO MY HUSBAND ANYMORE
Dear Willie D,
Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my marriage, so my husband took me out for dinner at a fancy restaurant. He was very romantic and attentive, paying me more compliments than usual.
When we returned home, I tried to take a quick shower, climb into bed and go to sleep without having sex, but to no avail. As I lay in the bed on my side with my back to him, I prayed that he didn't try to make a move, so when he did, it literally made my skin crawl. We had sex, but literally and figuratively speaking, I was not feeling it.
The reason for my aversion is that for a long time he hasn't made any effort to love me like I want to be loved. I want him to be nice and take me out, but not just on special occasions. I want him to ask me how my day went with genuine concern.
I want him to tell me he loves me without me having to say that I love him first. I have voiced my concerns to him several times about all of the above, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. We don't have children, so there's no pressure to stay together for the sake of the kids.
I still love him as a person, but I don't know if I want a divorce or not. My heart is no longer attached to the relationship. What do I do?
Dear Not Attracted,
Your trepidation of divorce tells me that your husband is not that bad of a guy; he's just deficient in the emotional department. Regrettably, he's in good company. Most men in relationships focus on the physical aspects of a woman's needs more than the emotional, which is most important.
We figure as long as we're good providers, protectors and can put it down in the bedroom, what's the problem? If we live long enough, experience and wisdom not only tells us what the problem is, but gives us the solution.
Since your husband won't listen to you, maybe he'll listen to someone else. Consider making plans to see a relationship counselor. If money is an issue, you can use one provided by your place of worship or a designated community center. It's apparent that splitting up will cause you just as much agony as it's sure to cause him.
Getting back out on the dating scene ain't all what it's cracked up to be. In this age of self-glorification and phony social profiles, a good man is even harder to find. Consider your options carefully, or else both of you might come to know the true meaning of the proverb "You don't miss your water till the well runs dry."
BLAMING MY WIFE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S DEATH
Dear Willie D,
I am a broken man. Six months ago, my daughter drove her bicycle out the driveway, into the street and was crushed by a car going 40 miles per hour. My wife was supposed to be supervising her, but she was distracted with gardening.
When I heard the noise, I ran out from the living room to my poor baby, who was still pinned underneath the car. I kept calling her name but she was gone, man. My beautiful baby girl was dead at six years old.
Everyone tells me I shouldn't blame my wife, but who else is to blame? The driver was over the speed limit, but if my wife had been paying attention like a responsible mother, none of this would have ever happened. I feel so much pain and loss that the only other emotion keeping me alive is anger.
We have been going to a marriage counselor for the past three months, but it's not helping. She has apologized numerous times, but I can't forgive her. I can't even look at her. I just don't see how a mother could be so careless.
I have contacted a divorce attorney, and I'm thinking about suing her for negligent homicide. Listening to your music taught me how to be a man and a responsible father. Whatever advice you provide will weigh heavily on any decisions I make.
Give it to me straight as always, Willie, and tell me what you would do in my position.
My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family for your loss. I admire you for your deep love and devotion to your daughter, but you have to let go of the anger, man -- not just for your wife, but for yourself, because it will consume and destroy you.
Understandably you are grieving, but imagine how she feels knowing that her negligence played a role in her daughter's death? That's got to be a heavy burden to shoulder. Divorce her, take her to court all you want, but I promise you, there is nothing you can do to hurt your wife any more than she is already hurting.
Because it was her daughter too, nobody in the world can relate to your suffering more than she can. Therefore, she is probably the best person you will find to lean on in these times.
How do you think your daughter would feel about the way you're treating her grieving mother? Do you think she would say, "Yeah, Dad, that's it, punish her. Make her feel worse than she already does"?
Try not to think of the birthdays, graduations and other milestones in life that you won't get to share with your daughter, and look at the cup as half full. You were blessed with six years of wonderful memories of a beautiful little girl. That's more than what some parents can say.
COPING WITH OBNOXIOUS IN-LAWS
Dear Willie D,
I have the most foul-mouthed and disrespectful in-laws on the planet. Whenever my husband, children and I visit, before we can get through the door, all you hear is bad language being spewed about. They have no respect for children or the elderly. The last time we visited, my husband's brother and his uncle almost came to blows because his brother took a beer from the refrigerator without asking permission.
I recently learned that they don't like me because I'm, as they put it, snobby. I never allow my children to spend the night at their homes, and we only visit on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I want my children to have a relationship with their paternal family, but I'm afraid for their safety. Any ideas on how to deal with this family calamity?
You are doing a fantastic job as a mother. The best thing you can do is to continue limiting your kids' exposure to their father's rotten family tree. Your first obligation is for the welfare of your children, not the feelings of your in-laws. If they don't like it, tell them to act like Charlie Brown and kick rocks! They'll live.
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back soon for more of his best answers.
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