A cousin in Louisiana once shot a cow with an AK-47. Legend has it that he and some friends hoisted the dead cow pumped full of bullets into the back of a pickup and drove it over to my uncle's house, which used to be a church. They somehow dragged the thing up the front steps, through the front hallway and up some more stairs, finally unloading it in the bathroom. They left streaks of blood along the way, leading my step-aunt (who had just arrived on the scene) to believe there'd been a homicide. When she got upstairs, she found the guys gutting the animal in the bathtub. They recruited her to scoop up the innards, take them downstairs and stuff them in the garbage disposal. But the load was too much for the disposal to handle, and the engine burned out.
This cousin later married his female parole officer, who was a good twenty years older than him. Legend also has it that he married her solely to take advantage of her dental benefits. He'd lost a front tooth somewhere along the way and figured he'd marry her, get a new tooth, then divorce her.
I immediately thought of him when I sat down at the bar of the Paradox Lounge (3467 South Broadway in Englewood) and a scruffy-bearded fellow who was missing a few teeth pointed at me and mumbled loudly to the guy next to him. That guy, who was a bit more coherent, shook my hand, introduced himself and told me that his buddy thought I was his parole officer. He tried to convince the bearded dude, who I could've sworn was named Elvis, that I was not his parole officer. And if I was, he reasoned, what the hell would I be doing in a bar at 1 a.m. on a Thursday?
I couldn't help but notice that the gal tending bar was missing a few teeth, too. And when I walked toward the back, past the dartboard and the pool and foosball tables, I saw yet another gal who was missing a few. I don't know if Paradox had some drink special going for dentally challenged folks, but I do know the joint was pretty damn lively for last call after a long Wednesday. And I'm sure the action kicks up a notch when the bar brings in live bands on Fridays.
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Just before I left, John Legend's "Ordinary People" started playing on the jukebox. It wasn't exactly a tune I'd expect to hear in a place like this. Hell, it even prompted the guy with the slicked-back mullet sitting alone at a table to ask, "Who the hell put this song on?" That's when the big dude sitting next to me said, "It was me, man. Maybe I'm going through some real emotional shit right now, and I really needed to hear that song." I didn't want to find out how real his shit was, so I finished my Bud draft and got out — by the skin of my teeth.
Club scout: Night of the Living Shred, which Westword's Best of Denver named Best Club Night this year and Best Night to Hook Up in 2007, is looking for a new home. DJs Wesley Wayne and Parris had been packing the dance floor at Bender's Tavern (314 East 13th Avenue) on Thursdays, but will now be taking their skateboard-themed nights on a local tour of different bars and clubs while looking for a permanent home. Check out their MySpace page (www.myspace.com/shredgnarl) to see where Night of the Living Shred lands next.
DJ Emir just fired up Epic Thursdays: rooftop parties at Jackson's Sports Rock (1520 20th Street), formerly Jackson's Hole. Every week, he'll bring in international DJs and drummers; everyone gets in free before 11 p.m., and there are $1 Long Island Iced Tea specials before 11 as well. Finally, there's a lot shaking at the Lure (1434 Blake Street) these days. On Thursdays, Rex Buchanan spins for ladies' night; Alex Khadiwala heads up Haute Salon on Fridays; DJ Soup is at the decks for Tattered Tinsel on Saturdays; and DJ Yahru spins reggae and dubstep on Sundays.