Bye Bye Skinny Jeans!

Grab your hairpins, seamed stockings, peep toe pumps and work the 1940’s revival. And thank Christ, because my legs are officially numb from stuffing myself into narrow pants for four months.

All the major magazines and fashionistas are highlighting the return to subdued sexy. Embrace the knee length, form-fitting pencil skirts and pair them with feminine, skintight tailored tops. Waist high, wide-leg sailor pants (like the ones pictured, that are sadly sold out at J. Crew) are the perfect cold day alternative to the fabulous skirts.

When attempting the infamous high-waist sailor pant, be careful! Get yourself in front of a 360-degree mirror immediately. Although teeny women aren’t the only ones pulling off this look, it can be difficult. It just depends on how you are proportioned. An alternative to the fabulous sailor pant is a slimming, form-fitting A-line or pencil skirt. My suggestion for cramming your self into the form fitting skirts; go get some SPANX! They are available at Target and they squeeze you into a pre-prego, before bulimia, after rehab, Nicole Richie shape. They are also fabulous for ladies who lack ass. They lift and squish. It’s like a month at the gym without the sweat, or the gym.

My picks for this season's must haves are as follows:

- Closed toe round or pointy wicked high stilettos - Short, box jackets - Vests -- I know you ladies from the 80s are nervous, but these are not your silk-backed junior high vests. These babies are tight and fierce. - Sailor Pants - Tights! Tights! Tights! Also, invest in some high quality seamed stockings - Crocodile anything - Sizeable clutches - Wide-leg, dark jeans - High, leather boots. Please, stop wearing those fucking UGGS. - Feathers … I dare you

-- Stephanie March

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