Kevin Smith fans are taking to the streets to celebrate the announcement that he is currently writing Clerks III -- or at least they would be, if they weren't too stoned to leave their houses. Even though Smith said he wasn't going to produce a sequel to Clerks II, now he is. About time for Clerks fans -- and a long, long wait for something Smithies can use to offset their extended disgust about Jersey Girl.
Here are five reasons why Clerks III is a fan-f*cking-tastic idea. Snootchie bootchies, mother*ckers!
5. Kevin Smith hits the bud now, so this will be his best screenplay ever.
After watching every single one of Kevin Smith's "An Evening with Kevin Smith" shows, I learned something about him I didn't know before: He actually had not been a regular marijuana user when he wrote all of his classic films like Clerks, Chasing Amy, Mall Rats, Dogma, etc. Smith getting down with the jolly green giant is a relatively new thing (although that's almost impossible to tell from his movies' dialogue and themes) and as one of his fans, I have decided to welcome him to the pot party, late as he is. It's a poorly kept secret that people who write anything do it much better and their work is far more interesting when a touch of cannabis is added to the mix, and now that Kevin Smith really, really gets it, I have a warm feeling in my thorax that his commitment to smoking grass will enhance his already fan-tastic understanding of character development, and he will make the duo of Dante and Randal even more dynamic than before.
And by the way: If he really wants to be inspired, he should come to Denver, rent a swanky hotel floor, eat our food, drink our microbrews and smoke our weed -- we have the best of all of those things here in the Mile High City.
4. Dante's "couple of bitches fighting over him" has been sorely missed.
God, how we all love Dante! He's the atypical Gen X, blue-collar, slacking, cynical nobody with the sex appeal of a bag of pistachios, but he always has a couple of bitches fighting over him. Unreasonably attractive women love him, maybe for his snazzy wardrobe, '90s-style goatee, charming emotional awkwardness, or perhaps his career path of gas-station clerk to fast-food worker, then back to gas station clerk/co-owner. I will admit that watching Dante paint his girlfriend's toenails is endearing, and in the first Clerks his willingness to work it out with his cheating ex who f*cked that dead guy is a quality found in the best of guys. It's uncertain at this point who his love interest(s) will be in a third Clerks incarnation, but I'm betting Rosario Dawson won't be back, and it's a sure thing that Kevin Smith's wife is available if clingy, neurotic Emma is gonna make a comeback. Either way, I assure you that Dante is open for business.
3. Because Kevin Smith fans will love anything he does.
Seriously, Kevin Smith could wipe his ass with a reel of film and we, his loyal enthusiasts, would watch the errant shit stain over and over. I think this passionate devotion to Smith comes from his less-than-humble beginnings as a director -- he practically sold that ass to make the first Clerks movie out of his own pocket -- and the fact that his movies helped define an era in which some of us grew up. Besides, Kevin Smith does not give a pretty pink f*ck with a bow on it about what he says, who he pisses off, and how many other "important" fellow directors he calls out for being whiny, ineffectual little bitches (just ask Tim Burton, for one). Smith has a well-earned rep for being an underdog that, thanks to his good movies flowed by rotten ones followed by more good ones, he hasn't been able to grow out of no matter how filthy rich he gets.
2. Randall needs a gig.
I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering what, exactly, Jeff Anderson (Randal Graves) has been doing since Clerks II. Since the news about Clerks III broke, it's still uncertain whether Anderson will be firmly on board to reprise his role as Dante's even more cynical sidekick, but get real -- there can't be another Clerks movie without f*cking Randal. Sure, if Anderson's got a beer bottle up his ass or something and won't do another sequel, then Smith could get another actor to replace him, but that would be like the Beatles breaking up, for the "why bother?" factor. Last I heard Anderson was doing voice acting or something, so it's probably safe to guess that he's not bogged down in critical Hollywood projects right now, and there's a chance he's actually flipping burgers, so Clerks III will get him out and about again -- and gainfully employed as well.
1. Because there has to be a Clerks trilogy.
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Star Wars fans understand a lot of things that common folks do not, and one of those tidbits of superior knowledge is that movie trilogies are best -- if the first movie makes it to a sequel. Three films with the same characters, themes and content absolutely work if those three things are interesting, and watching another beloved two-hour masterpiece of dick and fart jokes punctuated with emotional poignancy and SAT-word-laden dialogue from Kevin Smith would bring balance to the force. I will admit that Clerks II will be difficult to top, seeing as it had some of the best movie ever -- not the least of which was that guy f*cking the donkey (it's inter-species erotica, fucko!) and the part where Elias revealed his girlfriend's pussy troll. But I have faith that Smith can produce a third Clerks movie that will blow the other two away.