I will not say that Ghost Adventures host Zak Bagans (referred to in the Urban Dictionary as "Douche Bagans") is the douchiest guy to ever host his own TV show, that he's a certifiable uber-chad, that he looks like Ryan Seacrest and Ty Pennington's love child, or that the way his hair creeps sideways onto his face makes me want to barf. That would be rude.
But in Friday's episode, which featured Denver's Peabody Mansion, as well as the Tivoli, Douche Bagans went too far. Even for him. Because you do not mock beloved local author and historian Phil Goodstein. Goodstein was the best thing to happen to that episode, Douche Bagans, and I'll prove it.
Phil Goodstein is a goddamn national treasure. I've had the pleasure of interviewing Goodstein before, and his knowledge knows no bounds. His enthusiasm for history inspires young children to run gleefully to his side, pulling on his jacket and asking a thousand questions. His very appearance on your show, Douche Bagans, made me happily shout, "Phil!," while throwing my arms in the air. Then you -- yes, you, Douche Bagans -- had to act like a professional snob and ruin it all.
In the clip below, Douche Bagans meets Goodstein, asks Goodstein a question, and then mocks Goodstein for imparting facts the only way Goodstein knows how: thoroughly. Douche Bagans loses patience with Goodstein's floridity, and makes childish faces to the camera before finally giving the kill sign to the cameraman during one of Goodstein's answers and interrupting, "Got it. Got it. Sorry." He then directs Goodstein off-screen.
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Then Douche Bagans switches to interviewing a girl named Nicole, who went on a tour of the mansion once and had a panic attack caused by ghosts. She notes that the tour guide told her a young woman was buried in the basement in the '70s. Douche Bagans then imparts his infinite paranormal expertise: "I just don't like how somebody could make up and say a story like that without any concrete evidence. Does he have concrete, factual evidence to support what happened? Or, is he just saying it to pump up a tour?"
You know what, Douche Bagans? You had facts. They were in Phil Goodstein's infinite historical knowledge. You know, the facts you interrupted with your immaturity and ushered off the show? Those were your facts. But thanks for trying this scientific method instead:
"You know before we do our paranormal investigations, the most important thing to do is to find out the reason for the haunting. Because if we find evidence, when we're in there, that supports one of these legends or stories, that might be evidence to support that this story may be legitimate. What do you guys say that we really up this up on the investigation to find out if this story is real, or if it's bullshit? You down?"
And did Douche Bagans "up this up"? No. He goes to the basement of the Peabody Mansion, turns on a cheap recorder and feels weird feelings. "I just felt like shit down there," Douche Bagans explains. "Dude, I am not bullshitting here."
Not bullshitting? Well, there you go. Ghosts for sure. Except then Douche Bagans says that his weird feelings could be an "airborne contamination" and that he may have recorded "spirit voices" but he couldn't tell for sure, just yet.
I stopped watching after fast-forwarding enough to watch Douche Bagans meet Tom Noel, another ace local historian. That was enough. All I needed to know about ghosts I learned from the first five minutes of the show when Goodstein said the ghosts were shutting the gate of the mansion to keep them out and Douche Bagans responded that it was probably the wind.
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"These naturalistic explanations show up and they destroy the best ghost stories you can imagine," Goodstein says.
Genius. Pure fucking genius. Maybe pre-interview your sources to make sure their personalities mesh with yours, Douche Bagans. Maybe research your locations before you go. Maybe, just maybe, bring along someone who knows how to form a sentence, or actually find ghosts. Maybe then I'll watch your show again, although I'm guessing intelligent women aren't your target demographic.