In our continuing effort to make the world more amenable to the foibles of drinkers, the Institute of Drinking Studies is preparing a proposal for the National Institute of Health that’s certain to get us a large discretionary grant, since health care today is all about prevention: prevention of heart…
By now you’ve dug out from under the mounds of wrapping paper and leftovers generated over the last few days and are almost ready to return to work so that you can start paying the minimum payments on your credit cards. Sure, Christmas is wonderful, especially for kids, but the…
Thank God there are only a few more shopping days until Christmas; I’ve had it with staggering debt. But as long as the malls are going to ruin our credit ratings, they could at least provide a few amenities. For example, they need to do something for us dads waiting…
Stupid question, but have you ever just needed a drink? Not wanted one, or felt compelled to have one because it was Friday or Monday morning, or because someone exerted some major peer pressure by calling you a certain female gynecological body part. And not needed physically, either — to…
I would like to present the latest Institute of Drinking Studies breakthrough in applied physics: the Bathroom Theory of Relativity. You’re engrossed in a discussion — say, about what to name your friend’s impending child — and finally must sprint to the bathroom because you’ve held and held so that…
According to the Guy Code, it is not socially acceptable for two guys to split a burger or any other food item when out in a group. This rule is well defined; the only people allowed to share are girls, couples and men who are inclined to split a “salad.”…
Sometimes you just need to get out — as I did after being cut off on Colorado Boulevard by one of those punk kids who thinks it’s cool to push his seat back so far that he can’t even see over the steering wheel. And not just get out, but…
I’ve never been a huge fan of New Orleans, not even now that it’s the socially progressive thing to be. And while I’ve been intrigued by stories of Mardi Gras, including an account from an old girlfriend who swore that as she left her hotel lobby one Fat Tuesday, she…
The Institute of Drinking Studies would like to announce the latest social breakthrough: the adult baby shower. This novel concept progresses far beyond the “Jack and Jill” shower you may have heard of, which is just a ploy to get guys to help in the planning of such estrogen-intensive activity…
When it comes to cooking, I have just one rule: Never fry bacon naked. Other than that, I’ve always done whatever works — but I might have to rethink things since my recent dinner at the Melting Pot, a fondue (translation: self-service) joint at 2707 West Main Street in Littleton…
With the election less than two weeks away, gas prices are mysteriously plummeting — with no real change in the factors that were blamed for driving them up several months ago. In fact, things are looking worse, what with that maniac in Korea making nukes so that he can take…
There’s nothing like drinking when you’re already at a disadvantage. We recently hit Lime XS (730 East Sixth Avenue), the new, smaller iteration of Lime in Larimer Square, and after her first margarita, the saintly wife of the Redneck Liaison to the Institute of Drinking Studies remembered that she’d donated…
We’ve all had those days when we just really want — and borderline physically need — a beer. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s been a bad day — although the beer-wanting feeling is very common after a day when your co-workers and/or boss make you want to stick a…
Waiting in line for tickets was one of the most worthwhile pastimes of my underage drinking years. But great seats (and drunks) weren’t the only objective: Camping out overnight was a social event. The culmination of this activity came in 1987, when we joined a couple hundred people outside of…
The Institute had decided to close out the summer with a showing of Old School at Red Rocks. Unfortunately, to get to the Morrison Inn (301 Bear Creek Avenue in Morrison) in time to sufficiently prepare ourselves for one of the greatest movies of all time, we had to head…
It’s that most beautiful time of year when guys can disappear for up to 72 hours without too much questioning from the women in our lives. It’s that beautiful time when we can go to skin clubs or Hooters without even a bachelor party as an excuse. That time when…
The Blue Bonnet (457 South Broadway) and I have shared a few life-defining moments. The bar here was the scene of several early dates and setups, with results ranging from “Thank God guys don’t really need women” to “Where the hell are my pants?” And at other times, a loud…
The next round of Nobel Peace Prizes may finally be money for the Institute of Drinking Studies. Nearly every Saturday and Sunday morning, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the end of the world — which obviously is nigh, if you read those Left Behind novels or live in northern…
When was the last time you had one of those days that made you wish you’d never been born? You know the kind of day I’m talking about. You get up early because you can’t be late for work. Despite waking up with a crick in your neck so bad…
When a guy wants to enjoy a productive relationship with a woman (meaning sex with some regularity), he sometimes has to do things he normally wouldn’t do. Things like going to a shopping mall for a non-specific purpose, or watching a Lifetime movie that leaves you feeling like you need…
Although I hate mass-market American “beer” — aka the root of all evil — there are times when drinking anything else would be wrong. And camping accounts for five of the top ten times when it’s absolutely correct to drink this swill. The first time is guy camping, when you…
Progress is not always a good thing. I liked it better when draft beer only came from a keg, not a bottle or can. I remember when telephones were heavy, two-piece objects that could inflict severe closed-head injuries, not miniature electronic earpieces that people apparently think make them look cool…
