Suburban life is tough these days. Although we were hooligans growing up, the only things that could get us in trouble hadn’t changed much since our parents were young. So the run-ins with booze, sex, dangerous/moronic driving, gateway drugs, mild vandalism (no mailbox within a ten-mile radius of our neighborhood…

The Food and Drug Administration should start requiring warning labels, or at least ingredient lists, on all margaritas. This would undoubtedly decrease work days lost, liver-transplant rates for those of us not lucky enough to be upstanding Americans like David Crosby or Larry Hagman, and the volume of next-day bleating…

We were ready for some simple fun after a month of international rivalries during which we’d suffered through: more than 1.2 trillion scoreless minutes; 6,752 totally wrong goalie guesses on penalty kicks; 800,967 unnecessary instances of a goalie leaving his feet for an easy save or an obvious wide shot;…

I’m more than a little surprised that we made it to the movies the other night. Typically, when we plan an Institute Movie Night, we are no more likely to actually reach the theater than the space shuttle is to launch on time. One reason for this is our strong…

Those of you at the Thin Man (2015 East 17th Avenue) two Fridays ago had no idea you were witnessing a momentous emergency session of the Institute of Drinking Studies. The scene harked back to Cold War Europe, where plans and plots were made in back hallways — which is…

I am happy to announce that a new bar, The Tavern Lowry (7401 East First Avenue), has broken the record for the largest-ever Institute of Drinking Studies bar tab — and this despite the conspicuous absence of a few members. The Tavern had been open only a few days when…

I do a lot of ragging on Texas, especially this time of year, when temperatures there range between the levels of Saudi Arabia, Hell (not that those places are dissimilar) and 576 Kelvin. Saudi Arabia and Hell are actually a lot nicer than Texas, since they have what’s called a…

When I booked our wedding festivities in Beaver Creek, I had thought it was the setting for one of the greatest movies of all time, Dumb and Dumber. The morning of our departure, I tore open the Netflix envelope holding said movie, popped it in the DVD player and fast-forwarded…

I’d always thought it took three miracles to become a saint, but recent research determined that had I been martyred — say, by an Institute of Drinking Studies member for letting the Denver community at large in on his immature yet hilarious antics — I would need only one. And…

There is little doubt that the down-home, deep-fried goodness of the Cherry Creek Village Inn (222 Columbine Street) saved several members of the Institute of Drinking Studies the other night. The cholesterol shoved down our gullets at a rapid rate was the only reason any of us even had the…

Short of ice cream, Guinness and bourbon, there’s no better comfort food than pizza. A good pie will glisten with a sheen of grease over a thick layer of cheese and the meat of your choice (vegetables may be present for color and a hint of flavor, but they should…

I love this time of year. The weather is completely unpredictable, and you can go from summer temps to blizzard conditions in the space of five seconds. But it’s totally worth suffering through an unexpected hailstorm that drives down new car prices, because ten minutes later you’ll be able to…

This week we continue our series on home improvement, courtesy of the Professor Emeritus for Stereotypical Wisconsin Drinkers, Mayor John Hickenlooper and the Wazee Supper Club (1600 15th Street). The Professor would seem an odd home-improvement tutor; he nearly had a heart attack at my home a few weeks back…

Any good Minnesotan, Cheddar Head or even Iowegian knows a great, functional way to decorate the home. That’s assuming the women haven’t already taken over. Women will worry about filling bathrooms with soap and towels that no one is supposed to use while also insisting that there not be a…

Coming into turn three on Good Friday, the Mormon Representative and I effectively distanced ourselves from the pack of the damned. Devout types that we are, we decided there was no more fitting way to reflect on our blackened souls than to brew a batch of beer while barbecuing some…

Leave it to the Institute of Drinking Studies to host one of the biggest events in a very young man’s life in the oldest saloon in Denver: My Brother’s Bar (2376 15th Street). We here at the Institute feel that it is important to demystify drinking by showing our progeny…

If you’re like me (and there’s no reason you shouldn’t be), you yearn for a return to basic values. This means you think that pros playing in the Olympics (especially hockey) was the primary reason that TV ratings for the Winter Games hovered somewhere between those of Supernanny and Fox’s…

It’s horrifying to admit, but the signs are all there: We are growing up. On my birthday, I’d denied the usual urge to overindulge in food and booze simply because it didn’t fit with my diet. JP just put down “earnest money” on a house, meaning that he earnestly wants…

If you’re still not convinced that men and women are totally incompatible, then you haven’t been out in the world for way too long. At least 30 percent of the GNP is dedicated to mitigating the constant conflict. How else to explain Dr. Phil and daytime TV and in general?…

If not for all the evidence that I’ve had heterosexual intercourse, I’m pretty sure I could be a priest. As all you Catholics and everyone who makes fun of us know, we’re in the midst of Lent, when we get back to the “Judeo” part of our Judeo-Christian heritage and…

I had high hopes for the “Sex and So Much More Show” at the Colorado Convention Center two weeks ago. Since it was billed as a venue for the free exchange of ideas on healthy adult relationships and their sometimes frightening variations, we figured there would be lots of people…

I’m considering having the health department launch an investigation into the margaritas at Señor Rita’s (5007 East Colfax Avenue). Recently, all of the Institute of Drinking Studies’ researchers plus several groupies descended on this new bar, which was brought to us by our heroes at the Elm next door, as…