So I’m driving down the road the other day, flashing dirty looks and giving the finger to all the morons with cell phones stuck in their ears, when I notice this whistling sound coming from my sunroof. Perplexed, I look up to see that my ski racks are bent down…
When I came to Colorado ten years ago and immediately started railing against the typical Coloradan’s lack of driving skill (“It’s snowing/raining — we’d better slow down to half the speed limit!”), I was informed that Coloradans (or whatever you call yourselves) weren’t at fault; it was all the damn…
Many things cause guys to regress and act half their ages. Women, for example, can turn even accomplished hounds into virtual teenagers who will do anything — including change their hairstyle, clothing and job — to impress them. When a guy gets “sick” with the sniffles, he can put on…
We here at the Institute of Drinking Studies are nothing if not conscientious. We advocate strict rules that govern the planning and execution of a night out, guaranteeing a successful recovery sometime the following week. For example, you must carefully choose venue, transportation, food intake, poison of choice, whom you…
This is my favorite time of year. By early September, the temperature’s cooling off, football is dominating more and more of SportsCenter and every other sportscast, and vicious campaign advertisements start showing up on TV. With the close presidential race and a hotly contested Colorado senatorial campaign, I foresee spending…
Life is full of unending battles. Hitting your ideal weight and body habitus; making the perfect Bloody Mary; sending a politician to Washington who displays a range of emotions greater than an ear of corn’s and is more concerned with doing the right thing than with planning his future book…
Things have officially gotten out of hand in America. Entering Super Target the other day with my daughter, Allison, I noticed a prominent display of the next entry in the Hello Kitty line of kids’ stuff, which already includes keychains, videos, crayons and oil filters. This latest development: thong underwear…
It’s human nature to try to improve upon past accomplishments. We strive to improve our work skills, our time in the mile, our driving so that we don’t singlehandedly snarl traffic on Colorado Boulevard from I-70 to I-25, our dancing moves so that we can approach all the soul displayed…
When you wake up after a night of carousing, two questions should emerge from your clouded mind: 1) Where am I? 2) Who am I with? After our visit to the Denver Tech Center’s b>Purple Martinib> (8000 East Belleview Avenue, Greenwood Village), I placed an urgent wake-up call to the…
Happy hour is one of the greatest inventions in history. If you’re really honest with yourself, I think you’ll agree that only wide-screen TVs, frozen pizza rolls, propane barbecue grills and Victoria’s Secret compare. And like the last of these, happy hours have had a major social impact, giving first…
LoDo has bars for every mood. I have a favorite or two where, during football season, I start pouring down Bloody Marys at 11 a.m. Although they are harder to find, a few other LoDo venues are guaranteed to inspire such a night of debauchery that you want to drive…
Q: What does the Institute of Drinking Studies recommend after a monumentally bad week? A week that leaves you bruised, battered and trying to get the footprints off your back from life running roughshod over your carcass? A week where the only thing that keeps you going is the thought…
Every day, it becomes increasingly obvious that those in power count on citizen apathy to let them skate by with policies that pander to special interests and are out of touch with the average American. How else can you explain the continued presence of Katie Couric and Oprah; 24-hour news…
Whatever happened to customer service? Bars don’t have Guinness on tap. I get soggy fries at McDonald’s. If I’m out eating with five other people, the restaurant assumes that group-think has ruined our math skills and tacks a 15 percent tip on the tab even though we probably would have…
After a year of our close collaboration, the Head of Research at the Institute of Drinking Studies finally shared this piece of information: The true Irish often frown upon the Black and Tan that I love so much. Historically, the drink’s components are Guinness and Bass ale, the latter an…
I’ve been in bars all over the world, and good bars are pretty much the same no matter where you find them. They’re all dark, smoky — as long as you’re not in the People’s Republic of Boulder — and serve greasy food. Everywhere I’ve gone, even Bahrain, a good…
Two weeks ago, the planets and several other heavenly bodies — as well as most of the cheesy guy population in the greater Denver area, four representatives from the Institute of Drinking Studies and several hundred dollars’ worth of alcohol — collided at Avalon (9535 Park Meadows Drive, Lone Tree,…
I just about walked out of Legend’s (201 Milwaukee, 303-320-4710) a few minutes after walking in. I’d never been inside this bar before, despite having walked past it numerous times while taking the Great Circle route back to my apartment after just the right number of Black and Tans at…
Every summer when I was younger, my friends and I basically moved out of our parents’ houses and into the surrounding wilderness, resorting to a primitive caste system whereby whoever had the coolest stuff dictated what we did. We spent days re-creating World War II with cap guns, fortifications in…
I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it to go on vacation. I just got back from a storybook week at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun with my girlfriend. For a week we did nothing (much) more than sit on the beach or poolside, enjoying adult beverages and eating amazing…
Sometimes a new venue will throw old colleagues into the kind of mood where something different, wonderful and disturbing happens. I thoroughly blame Shannon, one of the girls at the office, for suggesting that we visit The Elm (5001 East Colfax Avenue, 303-336-5763). For me and the Head of Research…
After a long hiatus at the Larry Hagman and David Crosby Memorial Cabana for the Liver Impaired, Dr. Etiquette has returned to his top position at the Institute of Drinking Studies. His first area of research: Stampede (2430 South Havana Street in Aurora). Q: Why? Dr. Etiquette: Two reasons. First,…
