Dear Stoner: I love a good hit from a bong or bubbler, but they’re hard to take on the go. Any innovative recommendations?
Dear Stan: My first recommendation would be to gain some self-control. Between joints, pipes and portable vaporizers, getting high while you’re mobile has never been easier. Imagine how hard it was for your parents, who were stuck passing around seed-ridden joints and metal pipes while they listened to AM radio and kept an uneasy eye out for cops. Try being happy with what you have, coddled millennial.
Kidding — but, seriously, you have a strong case of a first-world problem here.
If waterless combustion isn’t getting the job done out of the house, you could always keep a downstem in your pocket and shove it into the base of a plastic bottle after softening the plastic with a lighter. It won’t be the healthiest method of pot consumption, but it’ll get the job done. You could also buy a small bubbler and empty it after each use, though that probably won’t stop it from stinking up your backpack, car or wherever you planned on hiding it. However, your best (and most expensive) option is a silicone bong: They fold like rubber in your backpack, and because most of them are food-grade, you can throw them in the dishwasher without fear of toxins. These are the only pieces some of my clumsy friends own, too, because they won’t shatter like glass when kicked over. Just remember to keep them as clean as possible and in the trunk of your car to be safe while driving.
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Dear Stoner: It’s so cold out right now, and I can’t smoke in my apartment. WTF am I supposed to do?
Dear Barry: My answer is similar to what I told the poor soul who asked for incognito ways to toke while his family was at his house for Thanksgiving. Since moving into a new place in the middle of December is probably out of the question, you’re going to have to do some research, get creative, or both. First, I would find out if your apartment complex bans only smoking, smoking and vaporizers, or smoking and all marijuana products. If it’s just smoking, then you can buy a vaporizer as a loophole and puff away. If your complex bans all marijuana products and vaporizers, too, then you’re in a lot tougher situation. A towel under your front door and limited rips from a vape or one-hitter blown out the window could be disguised with candles or Febreze before anyone outside smells, but you’ll still run the risk of fines or eviction.
Send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or call the potline at 303-293-2222.