Premium Reserve Parking? Here Are Ten More Upscale Amenities Denver Airport Could Offer

Denver International Airport keeps making moves, even though travelers may find themselves stalled by train maintenance or glitchy scanners in the new West Security in the meantime. In a twist on Frontier and other airlines with endless add-ons, DIA is introducing a series of high-end services.

This week, for example, the airport announced a new feature: Premium Reserve Parking. DIA calls it an "innovative service," but it's essentially just letting you pay a lot more for a really good parking spot and doing away with what used to be valet. For $50 a day, travelers can now reserve a rock star parking space on the fourth level anywhere from ninety days in advance to only five minutes out by visiting the parking page on the FlyDenver website.

"At DEN, we are constantly striving to improve the travel experience for our passengers," said CEO Phil Washington in announcing the new service. "Premium Reserve Parking offers a seamless and efficient parking solution, allowing travelers to focus on their trip without the added stress of finding parking."

What Washington didn't say was that the new program saves the airport money, since it doesn't have to pay valet guys anymore, much less pay for their liability insurance that covers being temporarily responsible for the safety of someone else's fancy whip.

And it's also another move toward the segregation of the traveling population. Last fall, the airport introduced the new SkySquad offerings, which let you pay for a chaperone to meet you, carry your luggage, watch that luggage for you while you freshen up, and see you to the gate like your grandma used to be able to do when you visited her back in the day. SkySquad touts its service with the motto "That First Class Feeling," and DIA is up for more of that classy action.

So what else could the airport do to enhance its white-glove service? Here are a few ideas — and DIA, if you want to use any of these, you certainly may. You know...for a price.
Layover Cabanas
It's Kardashian-level hoity-toity-ness in the middle of a public airport. A private spot with a sleeping area, luxurious lotions to moisturize your skin, a bowl of fresh fruit and another of unsalted almonds, an overhead-mounted television that plays one of the three standards of modern film: any Marvel movie, any tearjerker or the entire oeuvre of Wes Anderson. Rentable by the hour or overnight, should a flight cancellation or weather emergency require it. (Move over, Westin.)

Shower Suites
Ideally, these would be situated right next to the Layover Cabanas, and might be offered as a package deal. These suites would be entirely private, of course, with a dressing room and bathroom with a private toilet complete with bidet. The titular shower would be spacious, with a rainfall head at both ends; there would also be a huge bathtub, for soaking away the stresses of travel with Mr. Bubble. (A towel boy would be extra.)

Russian Massages
These seem to be all the rage right now, at least on the reality TV of Lifetime and Bravo. Everyone wants to get mostly naked and repeatedly beaten by Slavic women wielding branches. It's a thing. The airport could even partner with a local spa, like Ibza, to provide a traditional banya-level experience for people who want to release toxins and are tired of goat yoga, which is so 2022.

Buffets
If the airport takes the above suggestions and has sleeping and hygiene covered, all that's left is fine dining. And when we say "buffets," we're not talking about some supermarket-sized Chinese place or Golden Corral. We're thinking Caesar's Palace, not Circus Circus. You know: caviar and crab legs and market-price items, for people who don't look at prices and are only concerned with a different sort of market.

Private Trains
One of the perks of DIA when it opened has become a negative — unless we're flying from Concourse A, we're required to pile into a mass-transit vehicle of questionable reliability in order to get to our gate. Assuming this remains necessary (and the next suggestion might negate the need for the well-heeled to hop on trains), DIA could offer single-car experiences for those not wanting to mix with the rabble. There are already two sides to the boarding area, so one side could be for first-class, and the other for cattle cars. Probably want to call those something else, though. Moo.

Champagne Limo Rides Directly to the Tarmac
If DIA wants to jump ahead of the private train option, it could procure some town cars and limousines, and simply drive those travelers more financially worthy of attention directly to their flight. (All those valets are now looking for work, remember.) Just like in the old movies, passengers would board via stairs leading from the tarmac to the plane — or, more likely, an escalator, so their legs would be saved from more strenuous activity.
Throwback Flights
Speaking of the old ways to fly, the upper classes tend to highly value appearance.They themselves are often dressed up, even when they're dressing down. Cucinelli drawstring sweatpants, Kiton tracksuits, that sort of thing. But for those desiring a more cultured experience in the air, DIA could sponsor throwback flights, where all the seats are roomy and two by two instead of three by three; where food and drinks are served without mention of cost; where there are footrests and generous tray tables and beautiful (and for some reason, Swedish) attendants who invite everyone to "fly me." Yes, National Airlines really ran ads with those messages back in the days when sexual impropriety wasn't such a big frickin' deal.

Child-Free Flights
Maybe all you really want is to travel without wanting to throttle an infant who Won't. Stop. Wailing. DIA could sponsor flights guaranteed to be child-free — if you're not of drinking age, you're not allowed on board. At this higher price point, the drinks would be free, and there'd be no need to worry about carding anyone — at least not once you're aboard. Admittedly, the program would do nothing to prevent imposition by those adults who are still mentally and emotionally juvenile, but hell, it's a step.
Peloton Cross-Promotional Spas
Are you (or your slightly controlling significant other) obsessed with the way you look? DIA and Peleton have a partnership program for you. The rigs are already being employed as parts of commercial luxury spots like Capital One's flagship lounge at Dallas/Fort Worth. But even there, it's just two bikes overlooking the airfield. If Peloton could provide its own custom experience — a room full of their machines, with instructors at the ready for all those gym rats who can't take a day off from ritually breaking down their bodies so that the rest of the world will build up their confidence with physical praise.

A Destination Experience
Clearly, if Denver International Airport institutes these ideas, it will rival the all-inclusive resorts that people pay big money to go to. So why not import a virtual-reality suite so that would-be travelers can experience the surf, the slopes, the sand or a safari? Just come to Denver International Airport, and you don't need to travel farther at all to really go places.