News

Arachnoid Cyst, August 10

Here's a brief look at what America is searching for today on Google.com:

Love Demonstrated Ministries The AP is reporting that arrest warrants have been issued for two caretakers who operate a faith-based boot camp for wayward teens, in Texas of course, who are accused of dragging a fifteen-year-old girl behind a van because she fell behind on a morning run. That'll show her not to listen to rock and roll or like girls.

Jessica Alba Herpes Rumors are flying that Yankees star and serial mysogonist Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes. Adam Brown, whose fan blog at AOL is a giant flaming piece of shit, had this insight: Perhaps this is the wrong attitude, but I've always been of the accepting mindset for STDs -- at least it means you're getting some, right?

Back at the frat house, Brown told his syphilitic counterparts, “Check out these new lesions, bros, I'm totally knockin' 'em out left and right. Who needs a belt or a headboard to notch up when I'm leaking pus like the Exxon Valdez?”

Princeton, Indiana Reuters is reporting that at least three miners have been killed in a coal mine accident in the town of Princeton, Indiana.

Perseid Meteor Shower Everybody wants to know when the best time is to head out and view the Perseid Meteor Shower and, according CU expert space nerds, Sunday August 12, is when it will peak.

-- Sean Cronin

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Sean Cronin