Commentary

Boebert Watch: Potential Western Conservative Summit Speech Topics

Representative Lauren Boebert: lover of guns and the America only she imagines.
Representative Lauren Boebert: lover of guns and the America only she imagines. YouTube
Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is done flying under the radar. That may have been the way she got elected —with a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing but a gun fetish and a slavish adoration to Donald Trump. But her wink and smile and unearned swagger might already be wearing thin in just six months into the job, according to a recent article in Politico

That's thin in just some quarters, though.

Boebert will be in her element at the Western Conservative Summit, set for June 18-19 at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Denver. She’ll be right in goose-step with other GOP brain-trust lawmakers — guys like Representative Louis “The Aurora shootings happened because God wasn’t mentioned in enough high school graduation ceremonies” Gohmert. Or Senator Ted “You can say any crazy shit about my Dad and my wife just please like me King Trump smooch-smooch-smooch” Cruz. There’s a reason that George Will and Bill Kristol left the party of Trump: Because anyone interested in coherent philosophy or rational debate need not apply.

Enter Boebert, who never met an issue she needed to understand in order to find its most insipid angle. What might she talk about during her upcoming appearance? We wondered...and then we heard from our intrepid and possibly even legitimate investigator who has unearthed similar Boebert artifacts of insight in the past. While searching through the dumpster behind Shooters Grill in Rifle, among wet heaps of various shells — both egg and bullet — he found this list of ten possible topics for the Western Conservative Summit on which Boebert could potentially claim to be an expert:

• The Evils of Higher Education: You Can’t Spell “Freedom” Without “Free” and “Dumb”

Look at My Guns: No, Really. I’m Literally Talking About My Guns. Look at Them. I Have So Many, and They Are Loaded and Ready for Use and Displayed on My Shelves for All to See

Masks: Lifesaving But Useless Infringements on Personal Liberty that Have Already Done the Job They Really Can’t Do

How January 6 was 1776, but Not In a Way that Suggests My Complete Patriotic Support

Miss South Carolina 2007 Was Right: I Too Believe That Our Education Like Such As in South Africa and uh, the Iraq, Everywhere Like Such As

“Doctor” Fauci: How the Misuse of Quotation Marks Can Absolve You from Making a Real Argument

• Unalienable Rights: That Means Illegal Aliens Can’t Have Them, Right?

How to Make Pancakes

• The Crisis on the Southern Border: Never Mind the Last Four Years, I Have a Silver Blanket

• Parlaying a Career in National Politics into a Lucrative OnlyFans Account: My Plans Post-Election 2022
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen