Dear Stoner: What’s the Closest City to North Texas Where I Can Buy Pot?

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Dear Stoner: I’m a sufferer of severe chronic pain — thirteen back surgeries, and titanium from my neck to my nuts. The docs have me on so many high doses of opiates, it’s amazing I can still function. What’s the closest city to north Texas where I can buy pot? When are the best travel times? Are there known border-crossing traps?
Desperate in Dallas

Dear Desperate: I’m not sure if I can legally advise you on how to smuggle what the feds consider an illegal drug across state borders — not that I’m qualified to. I don’t know the first thing about avoiding traps and heavy police traffic while riding dirty. And not that I ever have, but if I were to move weed across state lines, I would always use snail mail to move my shit, and if I drove across the border, I’d drive through New Mexico both ways with a middle-aged, innocent relative who plays nice with police and has no idea that there’s an ounce in the trunk. Without implicating myself any further, the best I can do is tell you about the dispensaries closest to north Texas. Luckily, a small town in southern Colorado has embraced recreational pot much more than nearby municipalities.

Trinidad, Colorado, has fewer than 10,000 residents but at least seven recreational pot shops. Why? Because people like you — who are no different from us lucky sons of bitches in Denver — are in need of self-medication but happen to live in communities that have sticks up their collective asses. Hoping to cash in on you poor bastards, Trinidad caters to residents of other Colorado border towns and (though the dispensary owners would never admit it) people in Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma and Texas. Trinidad is about 115 miles from the most northwest tip of Texas, but if you have the time and money, keep driving four hours west to Durango. You can also buy pot there, and the college town is charming, smack in the middle of the mountains for outdoor recreating, spring, summer, fall and winter.

Dear Stoner: It’s springtime, and you know what that means: outdoor adventures and smoking da herb! What are some sativas or hybrids I should burn before blazing other trails?

Dear Carson: There are so many options! As much as I’d like to come out with some unheard-of strain with a cool name, I don’t think you can beat classic, heady strains like Durban Poison, Sour Diesel or Green Crack. Anything with Hawaiian, Bruce Banner or Jack Herer genetics would also get you moving, as would most strains with the word “lemon” or “tangerine” at the beginning of their name: Lemon Haze, Tangerine Dream, etc.

Send questions to marijuana@westword.com or call the potline at 303-293-2222.

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