The folks atEstately.com
have assembled a list of U.S. cities with the most douchebags using a highly unusual metric. They counted up the number of dudes who listed Facebook "interests" in ten douchey categories: Nickelback, Monster Energy, Axe, Don Ed Hardy, Vin Diesel, Chris Brown, Tosh.0, Mixed Martial Arts, Dane Cook and Bluetooth. And whaddya know: Two Colorado cities made the top ten! Which ones? We've photo-illustrated the roster, which features Estately blurbs and the douchebag category in which each city rated highest. Count them down below.
R&B singer Chris Brown is hemorrhaging fans worldwide, but not in Norfolk. The convicted domestic abuser and total douche is a loathsome troll, but Norfolk still maintains a loyal base of support for Team Breezy. Ladies of Norfolk be warned: Seven percent of Norfolk men are openly fans of Chris Brown. That's a definite black eye on the city.
Highest douchebag category rating: Chris Brown -- 2 Number 9: Toledo, Ohio
If World War III ever breaks out, and D-bags form their own army, Toledo will definitely be the bunker they cower in. One can imagine them now, busily bragging about all the awesome war they're going to wage, all while holding each other back from engaging the enemy. With so many douchebags in Toledo, it's surprising the city's own Katie Holmes had to go all the way to Hollywood to meet Tom Cruise.
Highest douchebag category rating: Dane Cook -- 3 Continue to keep counting down the top ten U.S. cities for douchebags. Number 8: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Right now, in Milwaukee, there are probably a hundred dudes across the city catching some rays in a tanning bed. Of those, half are finding inspiration reading Donald Trump's autobiography. A quarter of those have actually written fan mail to Paris Hilton. And one of those is definitely Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun.
Highest douchebag category rating: Don Ed Hardy -- 6 Number 7: Colorado Springs, Colorado
If residents of Colorado Springs had to put a dollar in the douchebag jar every time they thought they saw Kirk Cameron drive past in a Mazda Miata while blasting Creed, they could easily raise enough money to pay off the national debt in a month.
Highest douchebag category ranking: (Tie) Dane Cook and Nickelback -- 6 Continue to keep counting down the top ten U.S. cities for douchebags. Number 6: Glendale, Arizona
If there is an alien race of douchebags on another planet that suddenly arrive on Earth, the'll head straight to Glendale to live amongst the city's d-bags. However, if those douchebag aliens have to leave it's humanity's hope that they take sports pundit Skip Bayless with them.
Highest douchebag category ranking: (Tie) Tosh.0 and Monster Energy -- 2 Number 5: Corpus Christi, Texas
If you're ever lost, you can walk into the nearest Gold's Gym, and if you see someone on the bench press wearing a bluetooth and smoking an e-cigarette then you'll know you're in Corpus Christi, Texas.
Highest douchebag category ranking: Bluetooth -- 1 Continue to keep counting down the top ten U.S. cities for douchebags. Number 4: Aurora, Colorado
If The Walking Dead is ever remade, and the zombies are swapped out for douchebags, the show will definitely be filmed in Aurora, Colorado. Locals must already hide in their homes to avoid the crowds of douchie men roaming the streets at night, easily spotted by their popped collars, True Religion jeans, and frosted tips. To avoid douchebags, consider moving to Denver, which ranks a respectable 73rd on our list.
Highest douchebag category ranking: Vin Diesel -- 4 Number 3: San Antonio, Texas
San Antonio would be the perfect city for Guy Fieri to launch a Benihana-style restaurant where diners cluster around deep fryers to eat overpriced fair food served by chefs in rodeo clown costumes. The meals would pair perfectly with a Bud Light Lime -flavored slushie served in an oversized fishbowl. It would be, to quote Fieri, "off the chain."
Highest douchebag category ranking: Vin Diesel -- 11 Continue to keep counting down the top ten U.S. cities for douchebags. Number 2: El Paso, Texas
There's simply nothing like an El Paso summer's eve. Everybody hops in Chad's Hummer, they turn up Drake, hit the local bars for Jägerbombs and Amaretto sours, and then finish up with everyone getting a matching bellybutton piercing. It's a daily douche-tastrophe in El Paso.
Highest douchebag category ranking: Mixed Martial Arts -- 1 Number 1: Laredo, Texas
Laredo easily won the title of the Douchebag Capital of America, topping all other major cities in professed love for Ed Hardy, Vin Diesel, Axe BodySpray, and Monster Energy Drinks. While the majority of the city's residents are far from douches, the border city still remains America's premier douche-topia -- a virtual d-bag theme park populated by some of the douchiest douchebags in all of America. Before it gets any douchier, Laredo should ban tribal tattoos, outlaw grown men from riding Razor scooters, and build a wall around itself to keep out reality TV loser Jon Gosselin. He's the only person who loves Ed Hardy clothing more than the douchebags of Laredo.
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Highest douchebag category ranking: (Tie) Don Ed Hardy, Vin Diesel, Axe, Monster Energy -- 1
Send your story tips to the author, Michael Roberts.
More from our Lists & Weirdness archive: "Photos: Top ten CU-Boulder Missed Connections, Spring-is-coming edition."