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Ten Things We'd See at Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Denver

Ten Things We'd See at Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Denver
The Department for Digital, Culture, Media, and Spo at Flickr

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click to enlarge Let it snow, let is snow, for the love of God and the Olympic spirit, let it snow. - HEIDI G AT FLICKR
Let it snow, let is snow, for the love of God and the Olympic spirit, let it snow.
Heidi G at Flickr
5. Lots of snowmakers
Because global warming does not a fucking winter wonderland make.

click to enlarge That is one sweet ski jump, said the crowd watching speed skating. - MILES CHRISINGER
That is one sweet ski jump, said the crowd watching speed skating.
Miles Chrisinger
4. So. Much. Pot.
Sure, it’s a restricted substance in terms of participation in the Games, but by the roaring 2020s, public use will almost certainly be not just legal, but the norm. So, yeah, the contact high wafting from the crowds alone will probably be enough to get every athlete disqualified after they run their doping drug tests. Sorry we ruined everything, Olympics.

click to enlarge Get along, little dogies, to the Starbucks on the corner. - THOMAS8047 AT FLICKR
Get along, little dogies, to the Starbucks on the corner.
Thomas8047 at Flickr
3. Too many cowboys
Yes, Denver used to be a cowtown. Yes, we still have the Stock Show, when we pretend for a while that such a thing is still a thing, and we wear our pristine cowboy hats and chaw on a thistle and dirty up our jeans as though we don’t usually wear them on Casual Fridays. But this isn’t the Wild West anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. Just wait until we have to proclaim an identity to the rest of the world, though. It’ll be a mess of Western clichés, plus skiing.


2. John Hickenlooper parachuting from a crop duster
This won’t be part of the ceremony, really. It’s just something our by-then-former-but-still-hammy governor will do now and again once he’s out of politics. As he plummets through the thin Mile High air, he’ll be heard crying: “I was honorary chair of the exploratory committeeeeeeeeeeeee….”


1. Notification to the IOC of Denver's immediate withdrawal from consideration as host city
Look, we’ve thought about it, and we just don’t think hosting is the best idea for Denver right now. It’s not you, Olympics, it’s us. Again.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen