Let it snow, let is snow, for the love of God and the Olympic spirit, let it snow.
Heidi G at Flickr
Because global warming does not a fucking winter wonderland make.
4. So. Much. Pot.
Sure, it’s a restricted substance in terms of participation in the Games, but by the roaring 2020s, public use will almost certainly be not just legal, but the norm. So, yeah, the contact high wafting from the crowds alone will probably be enough to get every athlete disqualified after they run their doping drug tests. Sorry we ruined everything, Olympics.
Get along, little dogies, to the Starbucks on the corner.
Thomas8047 at Flickr
Yes, Denver used to be a cowtown. Yes, we still have the Stock Show, when we pretend for a while that such a thing is still a thing, and we wear our pristine cowboy hats and chaw on a thistle and dirty up our jeans as though we don’t usually wear them on Casual Fridays. But this isn’t the Wild West anymore, and hasn’t been for some time. Just wait until we have to proclaim an identity to the rest of the world, though. It’ll be a mess of Western clichés, plus skiing.
2. John Hickenlooper parachuting from a crop duster
This won’t be part of the ceremony, really. It’s just something our by-then-former-but-still-hammy governor will do now and again once he’s out of politics. As he plummets through the thin Mile High air, he’ll be heard crying: “I was honorary chair of the exploratory committeeeeeeeeeeeee….”
1. Notification to the IOC of Denver's immediate withdrawal from consideration as host city
Look, we’ve thought about it, and we just don’t think hosting is the best idea for Denver right now. It’s not you, Olympics, it’s us. Again.
