Elitch Gardens Wants to Give You a Wedgie!

Who likes a wedgie? Apparently the brains behind Elitch Gardens Theme & Water Park's new ride, the Mega Wedgie. This sounds like an April Fool's joke, but we think not. After all, there are Mega Wedgies at Kentucky Kingdom, Hurricane Harbor in Texas, and other Six Flags parks nationwide.

The park apparently thinks that the same people who want to "plunge off a six-story tower at 40 mph down a choice of three body slides!" also want their shorts up their butts.
The park put together the above ad, which shows what the slide's going to look like: your intestines. The animation definitely gives off the impression of things racing their way up your butt — along with grinning guests enjoying the ride of their lives, one they can enjoy again and again and again.

Here's the Elitch pledge: "By the time you rush to the bottom, you’ll understand why this soaking attraction got its name, but we know you’ll be hiking back to the top to ride these bad boys over and over again."

From the looks of it, those bad boys ride you. And, no, no we won't be hiking back up. We won't be riding at all. We don't need the middle-school flashbacks, thank you very much.

We might be in the minority; as one parent wrote on Facebook: "My child went on this. She said the line was totally worth it! She loved it and she wanted to ride it over and over again! So much fun."

We'll chalk that up to Stockholm syndrome: The Elitch bullies have her thinking they're her friends.

What's next, Elitch's: the Titanic Swirlie, the Wondrous Wet Willy or the Voluptuous Vomitorium? Really, wouldn't those be better images to evoke than happy customers digging our underwear out of our cracks — or watching our fellow sliders mine for theirs?

The park has dumped $4 million into capital improvements, including this wave of endless wedgies, which you can enjoy all summer for a $69.99 season pass.

Small-print alert: Make sure to budget for laundry detergent, because your skivvies are gonna need it.