^
Keep Westword Free
4

I'm going to race a pigeon on a goddamn bicycle

Pigeons, it seems, have at least one other use besides shitting on statues: racing. For its upcoming exhibit Thinking About Flying, the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver partnered up with the Foothills Pigeon Racing Club to train a group of racing pigeons to fly from the homes of MCA visitors, who can check one out, back to their roost on the roof of the MCA. Which can mean only one thing: The time has come for mankind to prove its superiority over stupid pigeons forever. Luckily, mankind has me in its corner.

The exhibit itself has something to do with inverting the typical museum-visitor relationships by allowing visitors to take home the installation, an act that would normally be a huge museum faux pas (trust me, I know). You take it home with instructions for its care, and after a day or two, you release it and it flies home. But whatever. The question is, can it fly home faster than I can? The answer is, I don't fucking think so. Pigeons may be fast, but I'm like Speed Racer, Flash Gordon and an 8-ball of meth all rolled into one. Plus, pigeons are stupid.

Based on what I know about pigeons, I've prepared these two maps comparing my projected route from the Westword office to the MCA against what I guess the pigeon's will be. Notice mine is straight and comprehensive:

As for the pigeon, there's no telling what that fucker's going to do. I'm not even sold on it knowing it's in a race at all. One thing is certain, though: I'm going to win this race, just like I won at gay running and arm wrestling (note: I did not actually win at arm wrestling).

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

The exhibit opens tomorrow, and the race will begin as soon as we can convince the MCA to give me a pigeon, in spite of their having 86'd me from their premises forever. And we'll bring back video of the victory, so stay tuned. In the meantime, WATCH OUT, PIGEON! I'M ABOUT TO FUCK YOU UP!

Follow us on Twitter!

Like us on Facebook!

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.