Update 2! The bicycle vs. pigeon vs. moped race results are in. "Victory is partially mine! How I defeated a pigeon but not a chicken on a moped (video)."
Update! In the last hour, I've been informed to two grievous attempts to put me at a disadvantage: 1). MCA Denver tells me the race will now end on their roof, three floors up, where the pigeons are kept, forcing me to run up stairs -- an obstacle I hadn't counted on. 2.) Erin Roberts in a Chicken Suit is racing on a moped -- meaning this race is now MAN VERSUS BIRD VERSUS BIRD-MACHINE. The race starts in ten minutes. Stay tuned, and remember: A vote for me is a vote for humanity!
As of this morning, I have eaten at least twelve steaks as part of my training regimen for defeating a pigeon in one of the most epic races mankind has ever witnessed. That's right: Today, I'm going to race a pigeon on a goddamn bicycle. Since I'm guessing the pigeon has eaten at most maybe two steaks, I fully expect to deliver a crushing blow to said pigeon and, by extension, all Columbiformes everywhere -- but in addition to being ripped and incredibly handsome, I'm also magnanimous, so I'm letting readers weigh in. Will the winner be me? The stupid pigeon? Or a mystery racer to be revealed?
And when I say "to be revealed," I mean "to be revealed right now." That third racer is Erin Roberts, executive assistant in the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver's Department of Fabrications, which has been working with Westword to coordinate the race. (Just for background's sake, the pigeons are a part of the MCA's Thinking About Flying exhibit, opening today, which allows visitors to check out a pigeon, take it home and then release it, whereupon it is alleged that the bird will return to its roost on the top of MCA. I have my doubts.) In a surprise twist that upped the ante for the pigeon but in no way for me, Roberts threw her hat in the ring and promises to race in a chicken suit, thereby splitting the difference between human and bird or something. Clearly, Roberts is unaware that my winning policy includes smiting of the loser even unto the seventh generation -- but, whatever; it's her loss.
The race starts today at 3 p.m. from the Westword office at 969 Broadway (spectators welcome, ladies) and ends at the MCA's headquarters in LoDo an expected ten minutes later, when the MCA will host a rooftop party in my honor even though I totally just defeated their pigeon. I really don't see any other possible outcome.
But that's just me. What do you think?
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Multiple voting is both allowed and encouraged, as I personally plan to spend most of today eating steaks and voting for myself. And then partying. See you there!